It Figures....

So I spend money on an app to be able to blog from my iPad and now lookey here....I am blogging from my iPad.

The money I spent (thankfully it was only $2.99) is wasted, especially given the fact that twice I wrote awesome posts and the app crashed causing me to lose all my work..

Why I Hate Winter

Not because it involves snow, ice and cold....at least not directly. But because trying to put mitts on a 2 year old, with thumbs where thumbs belong, is like herding cats....only not as fun.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Random Stuff

I am a little ticked off because I went and spent myself $2.99 on an app for my ipad so that I could blog from it as my computer was acting all wonky. Installed said app, typed out a blog post, went to preview it and the app crashed! I lost my post and wasted $2.99. Not at all impressed.

I am impressed with Apple though. As mentioned, my computer was acting all silly. I thought that maybe one of the kids had spilled something on my laptop as my trackpad and keyboard were not working as they should. I took my computer to the Genius Bar fully expecting to have to pay to get it fixed. Upon inspection, the Apple Genius noticed that I had some cracking on the top case, which was not at all related to the problems I was having. Apple has a quality warranty on the top case of my laptop because of this cracking so I had the whole thing replaced for nothing!! Now my computer is fixed because the top case replacement also includes replacing the trackpad and keyboard. :)

I get a Per Capita Distribution every year around Christmas and this year it is $1500.00 more than expected!! This will make our vacation that much better!! More Mickey Mouse suckers for my babies. :) More Blue Moon for Momma and Daddy! :)

My friend had a baby 6 weeks ago. I love tiny babies but will not be adding any more to my collection (of once tiny babies). My friend has honoured me with taking care of him a few days a week while she works. I get to have my tiny baby fix and still sleep at night! It is the best of both worlds. :)

Tomorrow is December 1. We don't have that much snow here and the temperatures have been great for November. Although I am sure that this means that winter will last until June, it is nice that it has been so mild since we could be knee deep in snow and have lived through a few bouts of -30 weather already in a more typical year.

Things have been going well with all the kids lately. D is improving her behaviour again, C is just ticking along, doing well in school. My Roo is getting to be such a big girl, doing well in school and she loves her Tiny Man so much. Tiny Man is talking so well. He is starting to listen and understand direction more which makes it much more enjoyable to leave the house with him. I am a very lucky Momma.

That is all for now.....my head is swimming with thoughts but I just can't seem to make them come out coherently....I think I need a nap. :)

A Quickie...

Thats what she said...

So, in a nutshell.

We are having some issues with D again. Not sure where the mental illness ends and the PITA teenager begins but it has been a rough couple of weeks. We are attending a family therapy session tomorrow so I am really hoping for some suggestions. D has a way of falling back into the same patterns and issues that we have previously dealt with, but me....I am no longer just worried and upset with her. I am angry. Very. Very. Angry. This is different for me as I am very apt to just try to make things better for immediate time. More on that later, moving on....

Christmas is coming. Way too soon. I know that I will be getting some money, which is good what with the fact that we told our kids we are going to Disneyland and all. I just don't know when I will have said money and I have even less of an idea of what little presents to buy for the kids for under the tree.

We are going into a therapy appointment as soon as I hit publish. Thought I would type just to say I did.... :)

Hope to update in more detail soon.

Perspective

I checked out Facebook this morning, like I do every other morning. This time though, I was slapped in the face with the fact that I am so blessed.

My Tiny Man is a very busy, rambunctious handful of little boy. I find that by the end of some days I am ready for My Dear Nathan to come home and tag him in to take care of Tiny Man. His sisters, more often than not, find him to be a pain in the ass. He doesn't listen to them, he hits, he screams, he always wants to play with what they have. He is 2. If anyone is volunteering to watch the kids they all happily take the girls but kind of cringe when Tiny Man is included in the mix. They don't see the sweet little boy that I do. They see trouble in a diaper.

Today I am looking at him through different eyes. A girlfriend from high school has a little boy around the same age as Tiny Man. They will find out today what type of Leukemia he has. Today I look at my son through eyes that are so thankful that I have him and that he is healthy. Today I will hug him that much harder.

Nakedness

I have Tiny Man running around naked today. I figured it is a good time to start the introduction to the potty and he has a diaper rash. So far my floor has been dry, which is good. My coffee table is also all nice and shiny clean now too. Why is this relevant? Because he was just rubbing his Tiny-manhood all over the coffee table while laying face down on it.

Family Therapy

We have had a referral for family therapy since about May or June. This afternoon is our first session. It won't be all of our family though as My Dear Nathan won't be able to be there with us today. He is working a shut down so he can't leave. :(

I feel just as nervous about this as I did the first time that we walked through the doors at CASA. All the insecurities about my parenting are creeping up. As with before, I am convinced that I am going to walk in there and they are just going to tell me that it is all my fault, that I am a horrible mother and that my children have no hope. Why should a mental health team be any different then my Mother? She told me that once. I was still pregnant with D. I wasn't even half way through my pregnancy.

Hmmm....I wonder if that moment in my life has anything to do with my insecurities??? Actually, I have been feeling like I am doing an ok job lately. D is doing well at school although we have issues to work out with her getting her ass to classes on time. She has said that she doesn't like her English teacher but it just going to have to learn how to deal with it as this is the second time she is taking the class (due to her staying home last year). Oh well, it will be a good lesson for her on how to deal with situations she doesn't control.

C is also doing well. She seems to be adjusting to junior high well and is back in the swing of things with her activities. She should be getting her instrument soon for her band class and she has been leaning towards playing the flute. :) She is having some trouble in math and I am having a hard time explaining things to her because they learn things in such a different way than I did. How do you explain something when you just know how to do it?

My Roo is doing so well in kindergarten. She did her first Terry Fox Run today. She is very hungry from all her running. :) I can see her confidence growing everyday. She knows her way around the school and it getting used to the routine of our days now. I need to explain to her, though, that at this time of the year just because it is sunny out doesn't not mean it is warm. She is always wanting to wear her shorts or her dresses to school but it is just too cool now.

Tiny Man....well he is just so much fun. I feel so bad for him because everyone just thinks of him as a handful or pain in the ass. He is so sweet though. He just wants to be engaged. All his bigger sisters do is yell at him and I admit that I get frustrated with him to because Momma just can't always keep up with him but I can't imagine my life without him.

Should go get ready now....have to go round up all my kids and head off to find out what I am doing wrong...

Better Now

So after my little pity party I was having myself this weekend I come to today. It is Sunday. Football day. A day of just hanging out at home. It was beautiful weather here and it was also free admission day at all the City facilities. None of that compares to football though.

This weekend had a few hiccups but they were little blessings in disguise. Friday we started off all running late for the day. None of the kids were on time for school but we all got to take them to school together. We had a few appointments, each involving very important aspects, and the most stressful parts, of our lives. Both of the appointments were successful. They outcomes were positive and were little lights at the end of my previously mentioned tunnel.

I took some time for myself on Saturday morning and just stayed in bed. I wasn't disturbed and was even served grilled cheese sandwiches in bed. As My Dear Nathan had 2 hockey games on Saturday I did eventually leave the comfort of my cozy room. I was just getting dressed when I discovered that my parents decided to drop in unexpectedly. I admit that I was a little rattled because this Saturday happened to be a rare one where I had plans for the afternoon and evening.

My parents were good sports and accompanied me and the kids to My Dear Nathan's hockey game. The game was won by a very short bench after it looked a little shaky at the beginning of the game. During the game my parents decided that because I had plans for the evening that they would go and visit my Grandparents. They were just going to go by themselves but wound up taking 3 of my babies. It was a great help to Momma's mental health to have a break, even if it was just for one night.

My Dear Nathan and I were invited over to a neighbour's for a bar-b-que and a fire. It was a fantastic evening with great company, mostly new people but all very warm and welcoming. The only downer was that I went to bed with a killer headache and not really feeling 100%. I truly believe that when I have opportunity to let my "mom guard" down for a little while that my emotional and physical exhaustion catch up with me, kick me in the ass and shake a finger at me telling me to take care of me better.

It was only a short time apart but I was very happy to have all my babies home today. Tiny Man had a great afternoon and was just content to entertain himself quietly for the most part. It was a relaxing day with no fighting between kids, My Dear Nathan got to have a nap this afternoon, I baked a loaf of bread, which isn't the prettiest but is tasty enough and my lasagna turned out awesome despite having only little bits of the ingredients here and there.

Today was a good day where I was able to appreciate that which I do have and not fret about that which I don't. My babies were home, they are healthy, fed and now resting. My football team is winning (for now and hoping for it to end that way). My husband loves me and I, him. We have a roof over our heads and hope of better times to look forward too.

Karma

This must be the point in my life that karma has decided to come to collect. I know that I have done some rotten things in my life. As I have gotten older I try to do my best and not be horrible and try to help when I can. I try to be a good person, a good wife, a good mom.

I must be failing on all fronts. This has been a terrible year for me. I am trying to see the positive. I am trying to realize that I really could have things worse. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My tunnel just seems to be so long. I just want to see a glimmer, a faint flicker of light. I need to see a reason to keep my head up because I am having a really hard, hard time even keeping my eyes focused through the tears.

All Over The Place

I am happy that I started to blog again. I really am. I have enjoyed the last few posts that I have made although I don' feel that they are up to par with other posts that I have written.

I am unsure of what direction I want to with here. Do I want to put all my laundry out, the clean and the dirty? Do I only want to make little posts here and there about my days? Do I only want to post when I have these waves of brilliance (yea right!!)?

Does it even matter what I put on here? Is there anyone reading? I know there is no one commenting (boo hoo :( ).

Anyhow.....some random thoughts for today.

- One year ago tomorrow we were on our way to Orlando for 12 days of kid-free bliss. It was a spectacular trip and look back at those memories every day very fondly. This trip was a way for My Dear Nathan and I to connect again after a very long year of him working out of town.

- I am so feeling all the weight that I have gained again. My clothes are beginning to be uncomfortable. I am turning into that Mom that lives in sweats and baggy shirts. I am so scared of failing, yet again, though. My Dear Nathan has told me he will join WW with me though.

- Darian has been sleeping in a lot lately. She went downstairs to bed before 9 last night. The last time this was happening was because she was sneaking out every night. I don't think that is happening again. I sincerely hope it isn't but I will definitely be doing some bed checks. It also could be from her medication.

- I don't take enough pictures of my kids. We have lots of pics from Christmas, vacations and birthdays but we don't take many candid, everyday life pictures. I want this to change. My "baby" will be 16 in a few months and our Tiny Man is already 2. I should be drowning in pictures.

- I love staying at home with my kids. I just wish that it paid better. I am almost feeling like if I don't start to work soon that we won't make it if any emergency came up. I hate living paycheque to paycheque. We are in our mid-30's and have no savings. Not a great feeling. :(

- I have really pretty cats. They are both all black and they rule!!

My Name....

is Nancy and I have a problem. I am a Disney-holic.

I did have plans today. I was going to clean Tiny Man's room. Make his upper bunk, pick up and sort through toys, sweep and wash the floor and maybe attempt at putting his curtain back up since he ripped it down months ago.

Instead of doing any of that I have spent all morning (with the exception of a long overdue visit with Leanne) reading about, dreaming about and wishing I could be in, Disney.

I have been reading the forums, looking at pictures, planning our next trip and just engrossing myself in Disney. The only thing that I haven't done that I usually would, is listen to DisRadio. Maybe this afternoon. Or maybe I will figure out a million dollar idea that will result in me living in Disney. Yes, that sounds like a great plan for the afternoon.

Or I could clean....that is way more fun.

Bad!

I spend entirely too much time watching television. I discovered that my schedule is fully booked now that the fall seasons are starting and football has started. Add to that hockey starts in a few weeks.

Sorry kids....blame your Papa for getting me to sign up for the full satellite package again. :/

My Dad had moved and was working the U.S. for some time. The plan was for my Mom to go down there with him after their house here in Canada sold. In the meantime, my Mom had packed up their whole house and all the bills had been pared down to the absolute basics. Internet and all those pesky things, like water, electricity and gas. They had the satellite disconnected because my Dad is the tv watcher in the house....and well, he was gone.

Fast forward a few months (just in time to leave the Arizona heat for an Alberta winter....figure that one out???) and now my parents have grand plans of moving.....somewhere....when their house sells. They want to watch tv but do not want to have a satellite contract. My Dad asks me to add his receiver to my bill. No problem. I am not sure if it is legal or not but that is another story. Then he asks what kind of programming we have. In an effort to save some coin we cut back our satellite service over a year ago. We had more than peasant vision but we aren't high rollers here.

Along with all the pertinent information for the receiver, my Dad has passed along the channel line up that he would like. My bill is set to go from under $70.00, taxes and extras included (pre-NFL Sunday Ticket) to almost $150.00 before tax (still not including Sunday Ticket). So I set everything up as he requested. My parents have helped us out tremendously and he is willing to foot half the bill, so I obliged.

The only reason my Dad has called me in the past 3 days is to keep adding to the satellite package!! I now have all the sports channels in SD and in HD. I have lived over a year with no sports channels. I have the internet. What the hell do I need to see clown make up Darren Dutchyshen in real life for? Or the guy on Sportsnet Pacific?? That guy should be on radio, not HDTV. I have a package that is worth a months worth of diapers that is strictly soccer. I would never have half the channels I now have. And now I have to watch tv....because my Dad made me.

Adjusting

I was so dreading the day that I would have to send Roo to kindergarten. She is the only one of the kids (besides Tiny Man, so far) that I stayed home with right from the get-go.

I couldn't believe that already it was time to send her to school. I cannot believe how fast the last 5 years have flown by. I was worried about how it would be with no one to help me entertain Tiny Man.

I have to admit that I am enjoying my one on one time with Tiny Man. By the time that we get home from dropping off Roo to the time that we have to go and pick her up we are only home alone for about 2 hours. He is such a different boy when he is by himself. He will play quietly and entertain himself. He will ask me to play trucks with him. And I always have an escort to the bathroom.

As much as I love summer time I am enjoying having a routine of sorts. Right now My Dear Nathan is working a compressed work week so it is nice to have him home for an extra day a week. It will only be for a month but I will take it. I have found that all of sudden I am needing to go to bed at a decent hour in order to be up and busy all day long. Must be getting old. I can't function on only 5 hours of sleep a night anymore. Having an extra set of hands on Friday only makes things easier.

I am still running the Parents and Tots program at our community league this year. I have decided instead of feeling like I am wasting time there to use it to do crafting that I feel guilty doing at home. I now have 2 hours a week to dedicate to crafting (assuming that I am by myself with Tiny Man. If I have company, great!!) I totally enjoyed myself this morning, and again, Tiny Man was so good by himself. :)

So for all the change that has happened here I am adjusting and learning that the changes that are happening can be good. I feel like I am evolving as a parent and as a person. Learning what is important to me and my family. A happy, rested Momma makes for a much better day. That is a great adjustment.

School

Tomorrow will be another busy day.

My little Roo is off to her 2nd day of kindergarten. Camryn should find out her junior high options and I need to decide if I am willing to front $150.00 for Darian to take her Math 10 course via correspondence.

Roo is excited about going to school again. She already has made her snack request. We bought her new shoes today for her indoor shoes. Grandma bought her some new tie up shoes but we didn't have enough time to teach her how to tie them. We will bring them home and make them her new outside shoes after the all important tying lessons.

Camryn is anxiously awaiting the options part of junior high. She wants to take band. I am so proud as a former band geek! :) She wanted to learn how to play the drums but was told by the band teacher that all students need to take up a wind instrument for at least the first half of the year. I have to admit I smiled a little inside when he said that. I was not really looking forward to drum practice. I have no doubt that she will excel at whatever instrument she chooses. She has taken piano for the last few years and has been asked by her teacher to write the first Royal Conservatory exam. Colour me a proud Momma.

Darian has been doing well. She is motivated to do well this year in school. She wants to catch up on what she missed out on last year after we took her out of school. This is where the decision to take Math via correspondence comes in. She has permission to do it but I need to pay a $150.00 deposit for her to do. I know that she is capable I think I just need to see her settle into school and see the motivation she has right now continue on for a good few weeks before I make the decision. That is a lot of money for us.

Tiny Man is so funny. I worried about how he would be when Roo started school but for the one day she has gone, he was fine. Roo and Camryn spent the last 2 weeks of August with Grandma so he had some practice being alone with just Momma. I bought him some training pants today in hopes of starting the potty training. I am not going to push but thought that it wouldn't hurt to see if he had any interest.

I will say that I am waiting to hear on whether or not I qualify for a student loan. If the answer is no, then disregard this statement. If the answer is yes.....well then I have another post for another day.

Hope all of you in blogland that find your way here have had good days of late and if you have students, that the start of your new school year has been a good one!

It's Time.

Has been sometime since I posted last. But now it is time.

In my last post I indicated that we had a diagnosis of depression. From that moment things went from bad to worse.

We started our daughter on her anti-depressant medication immediately. Being that she is 15 we left her responsible to to take her medication. Which she did. For the first little while we noticed positive change. Things seemed lighter with her. If she was going to have a bad moment, that was all it was....a bad moment. It didn't turn into an all day event.

We were feeling hopeful. We had withdrawn her from school to take away the added stress. She was not attending any how so we figured we would have her home to adjust to her medication and continue in her therapy. The plan was for her to go to summer school. Make up the Grade 10 classes that she had not completed and then start school again in the fall only behind in her few option classes.

We planned a trip for her to go to Arizona with my parents at the beginning of June. We thought it would be good for her to get away from the hustle of our very busy house. It would be some down time for her.

My Dear Nathan and I had a trip to Florida planned for our anniversary in May. It has been really rough for us pretty much since the beginning of the year. We were having our own problems before anything with Darian had started so we were looking forward to some time to reconnect. My Grandparents agreed to come stay with all my kids (they are a couple of brave souls) and all would be great!

Wrong!! In a nutshell....things got worse! So much worse. Darian's behaviour started to slide. Dramatically. Things were terrible here. She was miserable. I was miserable. I was exhausted. I was not sleeping. I couldn't talk to her. My Dear Nathan and her were not speaking. I just cannot put into words what it was like. I imagine hell would be similar to what it was to live in our house between the months of March and July. In mid-June she stopped taking her medication without telling anyone. I could tell something was up and it was about 3 weeks before she finally confirmed that she wasn't taking them. We discussed this with the child psychiatrist that we finally were able to see. It took 4 months to get an appointment. It was during our first appointment that we first heard the words "bi-polar".

I don't want to go too much into what Darian was doing. I will say that she was taking off though. The last time she was gone for 2 days. The time before that was for a day. It was nerve wracking. We had no idea where she was. We did know of one friend who she would contact but she never said where she was. This friend would let me know anytime she called and tell me as much information as possible. We finally caught up with her though. Thank God.

The last time she disappeared we had her arrested and put in a program called PCHAD. She was in a safe house for 5 days, under constant supervision. She had to meet with counsellors and received therapy for those 5 days. We visited her every time we could. During her time in PCHAD her psychiatrist began treating her with anti-psychotic drugs used to treat bi-polar. As the pharmacist indicated when I picked up the medication, by the end of the first week I could see a huge difference.

Darian is being treated for and has a working diagnosis of Bi-Polar II Disorder. She has responded well to the medications that she has been prescribed. She had a bit of mood cycle in the last few weeks but it was tolerable and thankfully we had another appointment with the psychiatrist who started her on new medication which has helped even her out again. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with.

Our family all know what the working diagnosis is and are taking the time to learn what they can about bi-polar. Fortunately for us we have my awesome sister-in-law, who has another family member with bi-polar, to help us, reassure us, teach us and support us. I don't know what I would have done without her.

For right now things are going well. I live everyday for that day. Yesterday was a good day. Today, so far, has been a good day. I do not know what tomorrow will bring for us but I can't worry about that until I wake up tomorrow. If my child is home, safe, even, motivated, alive then I can look forward to a good day.

This post is all over the place and has lots of holes and vague information but I said it. It is there for the world. I have a child with a mental illness and my life, her life, our lives, have forever changed.

Change

Now quite sure how to deal....I (we) got an official diagnosis that our daughter suffers from depression. To the point of "we" (as doctors seeing her) "want her to start taking an anti-depressant immediately."

I am not quite sure how to deal with this. Of course I took her to see our doctor and we/she has started the prescription. We have since met with the psychologist that we will be seeing. She apologized to me for the demand with which this started. Obviously there is more to the situation than I see.

Ugggg......I can't even put it into words. I will come back and maybe will have processed this all some more. I have a feeling that this blog went from haha to real life. I will see if I have the balls to put it all out there. Who knows? Maybe I will be famous....(kidding lol :) )

Wednesday

There has been some changes 'round here. My Dear Nathan has a couple of kidney stones. They are causing much grief. I cannot stand to see him in pain. He is supposed to be invincible. He is my rock. He is also the cause of grief but I will not get into that. Perhaps on a private blog. One day. I advise against the holding of one's breath.

On the kid front. Darian has secured herself some employment. We are very proud of her. She was so excited and is very happy to have her own money. She is doing alright in school. I can't believe that she is doing as well as she is in her gym class! She had no mark at the end of the Grade 9 because there was nothing to mark her on (read: schools don't fail kids). She is sitting with a 92% in Gym 10 currently. She could use some more effort in her other classes but I am not the hounding type. She knows what she wants to do after high school and only she can have the drive to do what is necessary.

Camryn has had a great year so far. Much better than last. Not that last year was horrible but she wasn't happy with her school and it affected her marks and mood. Her most current report card was great and she is back to her bubbly, social self. She has new friends and has decided on the junior high she would like to attend next year. (Holy shit!!! How did that happen??)

Camryn is starting to show a growing sense of responsibility but still really likes to be a "kid". I don't see her being in any rush to "grow up". At least not until she has both feet in the shark tank known as junior high.

Roo....oh my. I still can't believe that I should be looking for a kindergarten for her. I am in such denial. I keep thinking that I will just keep her home with me until she has to start Grade 1 or just bite the bullet and homeschool her like I would really like too. I am too scared to screw my kids up though. We are going through some struggles with Darian and depression right now and I can't help but feel responsible. I know that I have to let my little Roo go a bit and send her off to make friends who are her age and are not related to her. I have been home with this little one since I was only 15 weeks pregnant with her though. Letting go will be hard!

She is so sweet and such a combination of her sisters and the opposite all at the same time. She has Camryn's easy-go-lucky and Darian's my-way-or-the-highway (if that is even possible). She is quiet and cautious. Not an adrenaline junkie like Darian or adventurous like Camryn. I probably am making no sense but sometimes I just don't have the words to describe my children and their personalities.

Kaiden. My Tiny Man. He is quickly catching up in size to Roo. I am sure by year's end that he will be bigger than her. He is almost as tall as her and out weighs her. He is starting to talk. He calls me "momma" and I hope he never stops. I love it. He is a full-tilt kid. There is only 1 setting and it is ON. He is starting to play with his sisters. He will play Polly Pockets with Roo, even though he still tries to snack on them and is currently joining in PlayDoh with Camryn and Roo. Last time we tried that he shoved blue playdoh up his nose.....blue boogers...great!

We had to move Kaiden out of the crib as he learned how to scale the walls. No problem though. We had a futon to use and he couldn't open doors. For about a week. We have now had to buy the knob-thingies to keep Tiny Man out of things he is not supposed to be in. Can't wait until he can rip the gates out of the wall!

And yours truly? I got myself a big, bad job at WalMart. I am working as a p/t cashier. Dream job? No. Allowing me to pay bills? Yes. That is the point. I still get to stay home with my monsters and be the maid and all that jazz but in the evening I get out, interact with people taller than me and not related to me and they pay me for it. Plus I get a discount. Which is good when you have as many monsters as I do. I am a little happier about the WalMart job because instead of doing the responsible thing with our tax return we decided to go to Florida for our 13th anniversary. Now at least I can contribute to chipping away at the mountain of debt we climb.

So....there is a quick (or not so quick) update. We are all surviving, working to better ourselves, just working, planning a vacation and hoping that winter will end soon.

TTFN

Worried

My Dear Nathan isn't feeling well right now. I hate it when he doesn't feel well. I am sick at the thought of it.

I have only ever had 1 major panic attack in my life. It was horrible. I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breath. My chest hurt, I felt nauseous. My chest was so tight it felt like I was having the life squeezed out of me.

It happened shortly after returning home from the hospital with My Dear Nathan. He hadn't been feeling well, just had a cold. Through out the day he had started to feel worse. His head hurt, he couldn't open his eyes, his neck was so stiff that he couldn't turn his head.

I was fine while we waiting patiently in the Emergency Room. I was fine when they rushed him in because of his head symptoms. I was fine when they told us that it was just a really, really bad sinus infection.

I was fine right until we got home. Then I lost it. Panic attack set in. It lasted for about half an hour. It took me a bit to figure out what it was and where it had come from. The thought of losing My Dear Nathan or of anything being wrong with him, well, it scares the ever-loving shit out of me. He is my best friend, the love of my life, my baby daddy and my meal ticket (just jokes!!!).

He is at the Medi-Centre right now. He is texting me to re-assure me that he will be fine. I know he will but I have a bit of an over reaction problem. I think I need an intervention.

Monday

Holy hell!! My house is a pig sty! Weekends are so wasted around here. We do nothing and then I get stuck with the fallout on Mondays.

I am trying to balance so many plates at once and let me tell you, they are all very precarious right now. But t'is ok. It is my job to do all the crap and dammit I will do it well because that is the only way I know how. Being sick for a month has really put me behind. But I feel better now so enough bitching.

I am trying to figure out what to plan for meals this week. I already have a roast in the slow cooker for today. So the rest may go as follows:

Monday : Slow cooker roast and mashed potatoes with carrots.

Tuesday: Meat loaf (trying out a new recipe from a Company's Coming cook book)

Wednesday: Chicken and rice casserole so long as my kids haven't eaten all my crackers. If they have then Sweet & Sour Chicken.

Thursday: Baked pork chops with oven fries.

Friday: Pizza.

The weekend we will just play it by ear. My Dear Nathan cooks on the weekends so we will see what he whips up.

I am off to do our taxes now. We will need the money so Momma can go on vacation! Assuming of course that I can find someone to watch my little monsters during the day for a few days.

TTFN.

Wasting Time

For the last few years I have been attending a Parents & Tots program at my Community League. It was nice to get out once a week and have some adult conversation and some other kids for Roo and Kaiden to play with. The lady that was running it last year no longer has kids at home as her youngest is in Kindergarten now. As I was going to be around and really enjoyed myself I volunteered to take over the program.

There really isn't much to it. Show up, set up tables and toys, clean toys when needed and enjoy the company. Problem is.....no one is coming. In the last few weeks there has been a few people come but other than that I could count on one hand how many times I have had people show up.

I changed the morning in hopes that others would join us but no luck. Only the same few people are showing up and like I said, it has only been a few weeks. I hate going and sitting there by myself. I know that the President of the Community League has said that she appreciates that someone is running the program because it gives the opportunity for parents to come when they want. Problem is that I would rather be taking part in another parents groups where I am getting what I want out of the time. Someone to talk to, kids for mine to play with and time worth spending.

I am very much a home body. I love just staying at home. I don't leave unless I have too. I hate leaving my house to waste time in a place where I get nothing done. Granted, as I am sitting in a empty hall, with only my 2 constant companions I have all these ideas of what I would be doing if I were at home, knowing full well that I wouldn't be deep cleaning my kitchen or doing laundry, but the option is gone when I am not home.

I feel bad because one of the few people that do come said Hi to me this morning and explained that it was too cold and she was just dropping off her daughter at playschool. I kind of blasted her a bit about having better things to do with my time than sitting there by myself and yadda, yadda. She didn't deserve to be on the end of my rant but at the same time it is no warmer for me or my kids to be anywhere. To make matters worse is I couldn't get the furnace to work in the hall, so the temperature for the 2 hours we were there was a balmy 15 degrees.

I just wish that I felt like my time wasn't being wasted. There is nothing that I hate more than when people assume that my time is somehow expendable or less valuable than theirs. I hate it when people make plans with me and then blow me off or say they will call and then don't. Or a multitude of other things that result in me planning my time for them or setting aside time for them. I guess I will just have to start making better use of the time that I have set aside for my community and make it work for me and maybe stop bitching so much.

Lousy Smarch Weather

We are so cold right now. Tonight it is supposed to be -32 without the wind. Should make for a crisp morning. I cannot wait for spring. I am so very tired of snow and cold. As I am sure everyone is.

I need to shovel the sidewalk but it is much too cold to go outside. I wish that I could just keep the kids home from school but I have done that a few times already this month so that they could help me with Roo and Tiny Man while I was sick.

Glad that I have a garage to park in. It isn't heated but at least I don't have to scrap off ice and snow before driving anywhere. Brrrrrrr!!!!

35

Today is my 35th birthday. It is going to be just like any other day. Only today I will bake myself a cake. I am not cooking dinner tonight though. I find myself sitting here with a very overwhelming sense of loneliness and sadness. I am not quite sure why though.

I have my 2 babies home with me, My Dear Nathan will be home tonight, I have a friend coming for coffee this afternoon. Not sure why I feel like crying.

I wanted to go for some drinks tonight with friends but I don't feel like trying to find clothes that fit, trying to make my hair look decent or spending money on something that I really don't need to spend money on.

My parents are in Arizona right now so I won't see them today (not that I would have if they were home either). I will talk with them later but all they have been doing is rubbing their trip in my face. I would give anything to be somewhere warm right now. I hate this weather and it is getting to me. I wish that I were in Florida right now. I had planned on being there right now for Camryn's and my birthday. We went to Arizona at Christmas time instead. We went to spend Christmas with my parents there. They made us feel so uncomfortable with their behaviour that we left after spending only 2.5 days with them. We did have a blast in Vegas and for most of the rest of the trip so it was not all bad.....but I would much rather be in Florida right now.

Blah....this is depressing. I apologize. On the good news front I rolled up my rim and won a free coffee!! Roo and I are going to bake my cake now. I had to go buy a pan from Zellers and picked up a raincheck for diapers as they are half off right now! Good score, thanks to Frugaledmontonmomma.

Can't wait for My Dear Nathan to be home, perhaps I will indulge in a Blue Moon later....closest to Florida I will get today.

Well Hello Stranger!!!

Oh I really am bad.....and have a boring life. Really. I have a boring life.

Lets see....since September....hmmmm. Well the trip was awesome. I wish I could do it every year. We had a blast, got lots of sun, lots of Blue Moon. Hot tubs every night....yadda, yadda, yadda.

I was going to start blogging much earlier in the year but things have been kinda stressful. We took a trip to Arizona for Christmas/New Years. We got trapped in Idaho for 2 extra days due to storms and closed Interstates. That led to many weeks of screwy finances...it is almost March and we are still digging ourselves out of the hole.

My Dear Nathan has been home since October but his hours are cut back so our bills are piling up. I hate it. I hated him being out of town but the money was awesome! Oh well. I am working hard on getting things organized. I bought myself a Gail Vaz-Oxlade book and hopefully will be able to do all the hard work to get us on the right track.

I have realized that my parents taught me squat about money, budgeting and household finances. I hope to do better by my kids than my parents did my brother and I.

I have had pneumonia for almost a month. I think that I am finally on the mend. I just finished my round of antibiotics so hopefully all will improve over the next few weeks. I have never been sick like this before, I hope to never be sick like this again. It is not fun. I feel for all those who suffer from asthma (sp?). Not being able to breath is a feeling I would not want to live my entire life with.

I am hoping to use this blog more often to update (hopefully) progress reports on how things are going with money, organizing, parenting...all sorts of stuff.

I recently began a counselling program through The Family Center called Roots and Wings to improve of how I parent and communicate with my kids. I just wanna be the best Momma I can. :)

Milestone for this week.....Tiny Man is in a big boy bed. He kept hopping the side of the crib so it is gone. My last baby is no longer in a crib....*sniff, sniff*.

I am hoping that subsequent posts have more flow to them and are not so much all over the place. I guess I had more to say than I thought......ciao!