Friday, December 14, 2007


Tis the season to be all believin' in things. A giant fat man in a red suit with an army of little green elves, flying reindeer, goodwill towards men and peace on earth. I would like you to stretch your imagination and perhaps believe, just for a second, in a very special fairy.

The story goes like this (I am sure that I will miss some details but you will get the picture) fine sunny day, many years ago, a hardworking Man dragged his tired ass home from another long day at the beer warehouse. It had been a particularly hard day being that he was hungover and worked in a gigantic building full of empty beer bottles and cans, you can imagine the smell.

At the end of the long day and with thoughts of dinner and bed, the tired Man pulled into his driveway and noticed something in his way. Being that he was a curious man, he stepped out of his car and walked over to the object standing between him and his dinner. What he found was a video cassette. There was no box, the title sticker had been ripped off but it looked to be in otherwise good condition. Not thinking of anything more than what awaited him inside the Man parked his car and crawled into the house. Without a thought, he dropped the video on the stairs and carried on with his business.

The next day, while cleaning, the Man's wife came across this mysterious video tape which was decidedly out of place. The wife wondered what was on the tape and why it was on her stair. She made a mental note to ask her weary husband what he knew of this tape and continued with her day.

Later that evening, after the Man was fed and watered, the Wife inquired about the strange video. The Man explained to her that he had found it laying in the driveway, picked it up and brought it in the house with nary a second thought. At this point both the Man and his Wife were intrigued as to what was on the tape. They both agreed that they needed to know and without wasting another second they popped the tape into their VCR.

What happened next was enough to knock them off their couch. They stared at the television in disbelief! How could it be? How could they be so fortunate? They knew that they had been visited and rewarded by a very special fairy. This fairy is not very well known and many people dismiss this fairy as purely myth but to this day the Man and his Wife will vigorously attest to her existence.

What they discovered that day is that the Porn Fairy had visited and delivered the most special kind of porn.....driveway porn! That's right!!! Driveway porn!!! The Man and his Wife must have been on their very best behaviour that year to have been blessed with a visit from the Porn Fairy.

It is at this time of year, while we all await a visit from the Big Red Man, who comes bearing gifts that I ask you to extend your belief in a little known fairy. Who knows? Maybe if you believe hard enough and are always nice you too will be rewarded with a special treat in your might even be good enough for a dvd!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

8 Days and Counting

So we are down to single digits. Counting down the days until we fly away to sunny Florida for 2 weeks. I can't wait. It will be so exciting to see my girls when they find out where we are going to be for Christmas holidays. I have known about this trip since the summer so it is killing me that I have not been able to tell them. Especially on days when they are driving me crazy because I figure that "If you do not behave yourself you are not going to Disney" would probably be way more effective than the "If you do not behave yourself you are not going to get your dessert" that I have been using since they were born!

There are only 8 more days until we board our flight. I haven't even started to pack yet. Do you think that is a bad thing? The way I look at it is that I have 7 more days to procrastinate about packing and cleaning and then 1 day-totally under pressure-to do everything that I should have been doing since this summer.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Hustle and Bustle

Alas, good ole' December has arrived. Month of over-spending, over-eating and, my personal favorite, over-drinking.

This time of December is always a tad bit more stressful than anything after December 9. This is because Darian has her birthday on December 9, so not only do I have to worry about remortgaging my home for Christmas gifts, I also have to worry about what kind of cool thing a soon-to-be 12 year old would like to have.

There is the ever cool ipod....wait....she has one of those. Ok, well there is a computer....wait....she has one of those.....hmmmmm.....clothes.....clothes are good but that just means more laundry! What do you buy for a girl that wants for absolutely nothing and treats it all as though it is disposable anyway? I have only 3 more days to decide.

After the 9th usually I would be running around like a mad woman, fighting crowds to do Christmas shopping that I swear every year I am going to start earlier. It never happens. This year I will have a different hustle and bustle to deal with though.

Out of the kindness of their hearts (and wallets) my parents are taking our whole family for a glorious 2 week vacation to Disney World!!! I cannot wait. No presents to buy (at least not before I leave because suitcases can only weigh so much....), no tree to decorate, no cookies to bake, no Awesome-Father-In-Law for Christmas!!! Oh joyous day!!!!

Instead of all those nasty things I have to do every stitch of laundry in the house in an effort to make sure that we don't have to spend days 5- 14 naked, I have to arrange a cat-sitter, something I never though I would have to do or would require so much effort. I also have to pay someone to shovel snow while we are gone which could be either the best money spent or the easiest money a person could make given Alberta's ever unpredicatable weather.

I did have to fight a crowded Wal-Mart the other night to buy cat food. I bought enough to feed an army. The lady at the till though I had about 20 cats. I explained that I did not wish to have to return for cat food before our trip as it is just too much of a pain in the ass. I have to return anyway....I forgot the litter!

Hmmmmm.....kitty litter.....Darian doesn't have any of that! Do you think would make a good birthday present?