Family Therapy

We have had a referral for family therapy since about May or June. This afternoon is our first session. It won't be all of our family though as My Dear Nathan won't be able to be there with us today. He is working a shut down so he can't leave. :(

I feel just as nervous about this as I did the first time that we walked through the doors at CASA. All the insecurities about my parenting are creeping up. As with before, I am convinced that I am going to walk in there and they are just going to tell me that it is all my fault, that I am a horrible mother and that my children have no hope. Why should a mental health team be any different then my Mother? She told me that once. I was still pregnant with D. I wasn't even half way through my pregnancy.

Hmmm....I wonder if that moment in my life has anything to do with my insecurities??? Actually, I have been feeling like I am doing an ok job lately. D is doing well at school although we have issues to work out with her getting her ass to classes on time. She has said that she doesn't like her English teacher but it just going to have to learn how to deal with it as this is the second time she is taking the class (due to her staying home last year). Oh well, it will be a good lesson for her on how to deal with situations she doesn't control.

C is also doing well. She seems to be adjusting to junior high well and is back in the swing of things with her activities. She should be getting her instrument soon for her band class and she has been leaning towards playing the flute. :) She is having some trouble in math and I am having a hard time explaining things to her because they learn things in such a different way than I did. How do you explain something when you just know how to do it?

My Roo is doing so well in kindergarten. She did her first Terry Fox Run today. She is very hungry from all her running. :) I can see her confidence growing everyday. She knows her way around the school and it getting used to the routine of our days now. I need to explain to her, though, that at this time of the year just because it is sunny out doesn't not mean it is warm. She is always wanting to wear her shorts or her dresses to school but it is just too cool now.

Tiny Man....well he is just so much fun. I feel so bad for him because everyone just thinks of him as a handful or pain in the ass. He is so sweet though. He just wants to be engaged. All his bigger sisters do is yell at him and I admit that I get frustrated with him to because Momma just can't always keep up with him but I can't imagine my life without him.

Should go get ready now....have to go round up all my kids and head off to find out what I am doing wrong...

Better Now

So after my little pity party I was having myself this weekend I come to today. It is Sunday. Football day. A day of just hanging out at home. It was beautiful weather here and it was also free admission day at all the City facilities. None of that compares to football though.

This weekend had a few hiccups but they were little blessings in disguise. Friday we started off all running late for the day. None of the kids were on time for school but we all got to take them to school together. We had a few appointments, each involving very important aspects, and the most stressful parts, of our lives. Both of the appointments were successful. They outcomes were positive and were little lights at the end of my previously mentioned tunnel.

I took some time for myself on Saturday morning and just stayed in bed. I wasn't disturbed and was even served grilled cheese sandwiches in bed. As My Dear Nathan had 2 hockey games on Saturday I did eventually leave the comfort of my cozy room. I was just getting dressed when I discovered that my parents decided to drop in unexpectedly. I admit that I was a little rattled because this Saturday happened to be a rare one where I had plans for the afternoon and evening.

My parents were good sports and accompanied me and the kids to My Dear Nathan's hockey game. The game was won by a very short bench after it looked a little shaky at the beginning of the game. During the game my parents decided that because I had plans for the evening that they would go and visit my Grandparents. They were just going to go by themselves but wound up taking 3 of my babies. It was a great help to Momma's mental health to have a break, even if it was just for one night.

My Dear Nathan and I were invited over to a neighbour's for a bar-b-que and a fire. It was a fantastic evening with great company, mostly new people but all very warm and welcoming. The only downer was that I went to bed with a killer headache and not really feeling 100%. I truly believe that when I have opportunity to let my "mom guard" down for a little while that my emotional and physical exhaustion catch up with me, kick me in the ass and shake a finger at me telling me to take care of me better.

It was only a short time apart but I was very happy to have all my babies home today. Tiny Man had a great afternoon and was just content to entertain himself quietly for the most part. It was a relaxing day with no fighting between kids, My Dear Nathan got to have a nap this afternoon, I baked a loaf of bread, which isn't the prettiest but is tasty enough and my lasagna turned out awesome despite having only little bits of the ingredients here and there.

Today was a good day where I was able to appreciate that which I do have and not fret about that which I don't. My babies were home, they are healthy, fed and now resting. My football team is winning (for now and hoping for it to end that way). My husband loves me and I, him. We have a roof over our heads and hope of better times to look forward too.

Karma

This must be the point in my life that karma has decided to come to collect. I know that I have done some rotten things in my life. As I have gotten older I try to do my best and not be horrible and try to help when I can. I try to be a good person, a good wife, a good mom.

I must be failing on all fronts. This has been a terrible year for me. I am trying to see the positive. I am trying to realize that I really could have things worse. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My tunnel just seems to be so long. I just want to see a glimmer, a faint flicker of light. I need to see a reason to keep my head up because I am having a really hard, hard time even keeping my eyes focused through the tears.

All Over The Place

I am happy that I started to blog again. I really am. I have enjoyed the last few posts that I have made although I don' feel that they are up to par with other posts that I have written.

I am unsure of what direction I want to with here. Do I want to put all my laundry out, the clean and the dirty? Do I only want to make little posts here and there about my days? Do I only want to post when I have these waves of brilliance (yea right!!)?

Does it even matter what I put on here? Is there anyone reading? I know there is no one commenting (boo hoo :( ).

Anyhow.....some random thoughts for today.

- One year ago tomorrow we were on our way to Orlando for 12 days of kid-free bliss. It was a spectacular trip and look back at those memories every day very fondly. This trip was a way for My Dear Nathan and I to connect again after a very long year of him working out of town.

- I am so feeling all the weight that I have gained again. My clothes are beginning to be uncomfortable. I am turning into that Mom that lives in sweats and baggy shirts. I am so scared of failing, yet again, though. My Dear Nathan has told me he will join WW with me though.

- Darian has been sleeping in a lot lately. She went downstairs to bed before 9 last night. The last time this was happening was because she was sneaking out every night. I don't think that is happening again. I sincerely hope it isn't but I will definitely be doing some bed checks. It also could be from her medication.

- I don't take enough pictures of my kids. We have lots of pics from Christmas, vacations and birthdays but we don't take many candid, everyday life pictures. I want this to change. My "baby" will be 16 in a few months and our Tiny Man is already 2. I should be drowning in pictures.

- I love staying at home with my kids. I just wish that it paid better. I am almost feeling like if I don't start to work soon that we won't make it if any emergency came up. I hate living paycheque to paycheque. We are in our mid-30's and have no savings. Not a great feeling. :(

- I have really pretty cats. They are both all black and they rule!!

My Name....

is Nancy and I have a problem. I am a Disney-holic.

I did have plans today. I was going to clean Tiny Man's room. Make his upper bunk, pick up and sort through toys, sweep and wash the floor and maybe attempt at putting his curtain back up since he ripped it down months ago.

Instead of doing any of that I have spent all morning (with the exception of a long overdue visit with Leanne) reading about, dreaming about and wishing I could be in, Disney.

I have been reading the forums, looking at pictures, planning our next trip and just engrossing myself in Disney. The only thing that I haven't done that I usually would, is listen to DisRadio. Maybe this afternoon. Or maybe I will figure out a million dollar idea that will result in me living in Disney. Yes, that sounds like a great plan for the afternoon.

Or I could clean....that is way more fun.

Bad!

I spend entirely too much time watching television. I discovered that my schedule is fully booked now that the fall seasons are starting and football has started. Add to that hockey starts in a few weeks.

Sorry kids....blame your Papa for getting me to sign up for the full satellite package again. :/

My Dad had moved and was working the U.S. for some time. The plan was for my Mom to go down there with him after their house here in Canada sold. In the meantime, my Mom had packed up their whole house and all the bills had been pared down to the absolute basics. Internet and all those pesky things, like water, electricity and gas. They had the satellite disconnected because my Dad is the tv watcher in the house....and well, he was gone.

Fast forward a few months (just in time to leave the Arizona heat for an Alberta winter....figure that one out???) and now my parents have grand plans of moving.....somewhere....when their house sells. They want to watch tv but do not want to have a satellite contract. My Dad asks me to add his receiver to my bill. No problem. I am not sure if it is legal or not but that is another story. Then he asks what kind of programming we have. In an effort to save some coin we cut back our satellite service over a year ago. We had more than peasant vision but we aren't high rollers here.

Along with all the pertinent information for the receiver, my Dad has passed along the channel line up that he would like. My bill is set to go from under $70.00, taxes and extras included (pre-NFL Sunday Ticket) to almost $150.00 before tax (still not including Sunday Ticket). So I set everything up as he requested. My parents have helped us out tremendously and he is willing to foot half the bill, so I obliged.

The only reason my Dad has called me in the past 3 days is to keep adding to the satellite package!! I now have all the sports channels in SD and in HD. I have lived over a year with no sports channels. I have the internet. What the hell do I need to see clown make up Darren Dutchyshen in real life for? Or the guy on Sportsnet Pacific?? That guy should be on radio, not HDTV. I have a package that is worth a months worth of diapers that is strictly soccer. I would never have half the channels I now have. And now I have to watch tv....because my Dad made me.

Adjusting

I was so dreading the day that I would have to send Roo to kindergarten. She is the only one of the kids (besides Tiny Man, so far) that I stayed home with right from the get-go.

I couldn't believe that already it was time to send her to school. I cannot believe how fast the last 5 years have flown by. I was worried about how it would be with no one to help me entertain Tiny Man.

I have to admit that I am enjoying my one on one time with Tiny Man. By the time that we get home from dropping off Roo to the time that we have to go and pick her up we are only home alone for about 2 hours. He is such a different boy when he is by himself. He will play quietly and entertain himself. He will ask me to play trucks with him. And I always have an escort to the bathroom.

As much as I love summer time I am enjoying having a routine of sorts. Right now My Dear Nathan is working a compressed work week so it is nice to have him home for an extra day a week. It will only be for a month but I will take it. I have found that all of sudden I am needing to go to bed at a decent hour in order to be up and busy all day long. Must be getting old. I can't function on only 5 hours of sleep a night anymore. Having an extra set of hands on Friday only makes things easier.

I am still running the Parents and Tots program at our community league this year. I have decided instead of feeling like I am wasting time there to use it to do crafting that I feel guilty doing at home. I now have 2 hours a week to dedicate to crafting (assuming that I am by myself with Tiny Man. If I have company, great!!) I totally enjoyed myself this morning, and again, Tiny Man was so good by himself. :)

So for all the change that has happened here I am adjusting and learning that the changes that are happening can be good. I feel like I am evolving as a parent and as a person. Learning what is important to me and my family. A happy, rested Momma makes for a much better day. That is a great adjustment.

School

Tomorrow will be another busy day.

My little Roo is off to her 2nd day of kindergarten. Camryn should find out her junior high options and I need to decide if I am willing to front $150.00 for Darian to take her Math 10 course via correspondence.

Roo is excited about going to school again. She already has made her snack request. We bought her new shoes today for her indoor shoes. Grandma bought her some new tie up shoes but we didn't have enough time to teach her how to tie them. We will bring them home and make them her new outside shoes after the all important tying lessons.

Camryn is anxiously awaiting the options part of junior high. She wants to take band. I am so proud as a former band geek! :) She wanted to learn how to play the drums but was told by the band teacher that all students need to take up a wind instrument for at least the first half of the year. I have to admit I smiled a little inside when he said that. I was not really looking forward to drum practice. I have no doubt that she will excel at whatever instrument she chooses. She has taken piano for the last few years and has been asked by her teacher to write the first Royal Conservatory exam. Colour me a proud Momma.

Darian has been doing well. She is motivated to do well this year in school. She wants to catch up on what she missed out on last year after we took her out of school. This is where the decision to take Math via correspondence comes in. She has permission to do it but I need to pay a $150.00 deposit for her to do. I know that she is capable I think I just need to see her settle into school and see the motivation she has right now continue on for a good few weeks before I make the decision. That is a lot of money for us.

Tiny Man is so funny. I worried about how he would be when Roo started school but for the one day she has gone, he was fine. Roo and Camryn spent the last 2 weeks of August with Grandma so he had some practice being alone with just Momma. I bought him some training pants today in hopes of starting the potty training. I am not going to push but thought that it wouldn't hurt to see if he had any interest.

I will say that I am waiting to hear on whether or not I qualify for a student loan. If the answer is no, then disregard this statement. If the answer is yes.....well then I have another post for another day.

Hope all of you in blogland that find your way here have had good days of late and if you have students, that the start of your new school year has been a good one!

It's Time.

Has been sometime since I posted last. But now it is time.

In my last post I indicated that we had a diagnosis of depression. From that moment things went from bad to worse.

We started our daughter on her anti-depressant medication immediately. Being that she is 15 we left her responsible to to take her medication. Which she did. For the first little while we noticed positive change. Things seemed lighter with her. If she was going to have a bad moment, that was all it was....a bad moment. It didn't turn into an all day event.

We were feeling hopeful. We had withdrawn her from school to take away the added stress. She was not attending any how so we figured we would have her home to adjust to her medication and continue in her therapy. The plan was for her to go to summer school. Make up the Grade 10 classes that she had not completed and then start school again in the fall only behind in her few option classes.

We planned a trip for her to go to Arizona with my parents at the beginning of June. We thought it would be good for her to get away from the hustle of our very busy house. It would be some down time for her.

My Dear Nathan and I had a trip to Florida planned for our anniversary in May. It has been really rough for us pretty much since the beginning of the year. We were having our own problems before anything with Darian had started so we were looking forward to some time to reconnect. My Grandparents agreed to come stay with all my kids (they are a couple of brave souls) and all would be great!

Wrong!! In a nutshell....things got worse! So much worse. Darian's behaviour started to slide. Dramatically. Things were terrible here. She was miserable. I was miserable. I was exhausted. I was not sleeping. I couldn't talk to her. My Dear Nathan and her were not speaking. I just cannot put into words what it was like. I imagine hell would be similar to what it was to live in our house between the months of March and July. In mid-June she stopped taking her medication without telling anyone. I could tell something was up and it was about 3 weeks before she finally confirmed that she wasn't taking them. We discussed this with the child psychiatrist that we finally were able to see. It took 4 months to get an appointment. It was during our first appointment that we first heard the words "bi-polar".

I don't want to go too much into what Darian was doing. I will say that she was taking off though. The last time she was gone for 2 days. The time before that was for a day. It was nerve wracking. We had no idea where she was. We did know of one friend who she would contact but she never said where she was. This friend would let me know anytime she called and tell me as much information as possible. We finally caught up with her though. Thank God.

The last time she disappeared we had her arrested and put in a program called PCHAD. She was in a safe house for 5 days, under constant supervision. She had to meet with counsellors and received therapy for those 5 days. We visited her every time we could. During her time in PCHAD her psychiatrist began treating her with anti-psychotic drugs used to treat bi-polar. As the pharmacist indicated when I picked up the medication, by the end of the first week I could see a huge difference.

Darian is being treated for and has a working diagnosis of Bi-Polar II Disorder. She has responded well to the medications that she has been prescribed. She had a bit of mood cycle in the last few weeks but it was tolerable and thankfully we had another appointment with the psychiatrist who started her on new medication which has helped even her out again. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with.

Our family all know what the working diagnosis is and are taking the time to learn what they can about bi-polar. Fortunately for us we have my awesome sister-in-law, who has another family member with bi-polar, to help us, reassure us, teach us and support us. I don't know what I would have done without her.

For right now things are going well. I live everyday for that day. Yesterday was a good day. Today, so far, has been a good day. I do not know what tomorrow will bring for us but I can't worry about that until I wake up tomorrow. If my child is home, safe, even, motivated, alive then I can look forward to a good day.

This post is all over the place and has lots of holes and vague information but I said it. It is there for the world. I have a child with a mental illness and my life, her life, our lives, have forever changed.