Change

Now quite sure how to deal....I (we) got an official diagnosis that our daughter suffers from depression. To the point of "we" (as doctors seeing her) "want her to start taking an anti-depressant immediately."

I am not quite sure how to deal with this. Of course I took her to see our doctor and we/she has started the prescription. We have since met with the psychologist that we will be seeing. She apologized to me for the demand with which this started. Obviously there is more to the situation than I see.

Ugggg......I can't even put it into words. I will come back and maybe will have processed this all some more. I have a feeling that this blog went from haha to real life. I will see if I have the balls to put it all out there. Who knows? Maybe I will be famous....(kidding lol :) )

Wednesday

There has been some changes 'round here. My Dear Nathan has a couple of kidney stones. They are causing much grief. I cannot stand to see him in pain. He is supposed to be invincible. He is my rock. He is also the cause of grief but I will not get into that. Perhaps on a private blog. One day. I advise against the holding of one's breath.

On the kid front. Darian has secured herself some employment. We are very proud of her. She was so excited and is very happy to have her own money. She is doing alright in school. I can't believe that she is doing as well as she is in her gym class! She had no mark at the end of the Grade 9 because there was nothing to mark her on (read: schools don't fail kids). She is sitting with a 92% in Gym 10 currently. She could use some more effort in her other classes but I am not the hounding type. She knows what she wants to do after high school and only she can have the drive to do what is necessary.

Camryn has had a great year so far. Much better than last. Not that last year was horrible but she wasn't happy with her school and it affected her marks and mood. Her most current report card was great and she is back to her bubbly, social self. She has new friends and has decided on the junior high she would like to attend next year. (Holy shit!!! How did that happen??)

Camryn is starting to show a growing sense of responsibility but still really likes to be a "kid". I don't see her being in any rush to "grow up". At least not until she has both feet in the shark tank known as junior high.

Roo....oh my. I still can't believe that I should be looking for a kindergarten for her. I am in such denial. I keep thinking that I will just keep her home with me until she has to start Grade 1 or just bite the bullet and homeschool her like I would really like too. I am too scared to screw my kids up though. We are going through some struggles with Darian and depression right now and I can't help but feel responsible. I know that I have to let my little Roo go a bit and send her off to make friends who are her age and are not related to her. I have been home with this little one since I was only 15 weeks pregnant with her though. Letting go will be hard!

She is so sweet and such a combination of her sisters and the opposite all at the same time. She has Camryn's easy-go-lucky and Darian's my-way-or-the-highway (if that is even possible). She is quiet and cautious. Not an adrenaline junkie like Darian or adventurous like Camryn. I probably am making no sense but sometimes I just don't have the words to describe my children and their personalities.

Kaiden. My Tiny Man. He is quickly catching up in size to Roo. I am sure by year's end that he will be bigger than her. He is almost as tall as her and out weighs her. He is starting to talk. He calls me "momma" and I hope he never stops. I love it. He is a full-tilt kid. There is only 1 setting and it is ON. He is starting to play with his sisters. He will play Polly Pockets with Roo, even though he still tries to snack on them and is currently joining in PlayDoh with Camryn and Roo. Last time we tried that he shoved blue playdoh up his nose.....blue boogers...great!

We had to move Kaiden out of the crib as he learned how to scale the walls. No problem though. We had a futon to use and he couldn't open doors. For about a week. We have now had to buy the knob-thingies to keep Tiny Man out of things he is not supposed to be in. Can't wait until he can rip the gates out of the wall!

And yours truly? I got myself a big, bad job at WalMart. I am working as a p/t cashier. Dream job? No. Allowing me to pay bills? Yes. That is the point. I still get to stay home with my monsters and be the maid and all that jazz but in the evening I get out, interact with people taller than me and not related to me and they pay me for it. Plus I get a discount. Which is good when you have as many monsters as I do. I am a little happier about the WalMart job because instead of doing the responsible thing with our tax return we decided to go to Florida for our 13th anniversary. Now at least I can contribute to chipping away at the mountain of debt we climb.

So....there is a quick (or not so quick) update. We are all surviving, working to better ourselves, just working, planning a vacation and hoping that winter will end soon.

TTFN

Worried

My Dear Nathan isn't feeling well right now. I hate it when he doesn't feel well. I am sick at the thought of it.

I have only ever had 1 major panic attack in my life. It was horrible. I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breath. My chest hurt, I felt nauseous. My chest was so tight it felt like I was having the life squeezed out of me.

It happened shortly after returning home from the hospital with My Dear Nathan. He hadn't been feeling well, just had a cold. Through out the day he had started to feel worse. His head hurt, he couldn't open his eyes, his neck was so stiff that he couldn't turn his head.

I was fine while we waiting patiently in the Emergency Room. I was fine when they rushed him in because of his head symptoms. I was fine when they told us that it was just a really, really bad sinus infection.

I was fine right until we got home. Then I lost it. Panic attack set in. It lasted for about half an hour. It took me a bit to figure out what it was and where it had come from. The thought of losing My Dear Nathan or of anything being wrong with him, well, it scares the ever-loving shit out of me. He is my best friend, the love of my life, my baby daddy and my meal ticket (just jokes!!!).

He is at the Medi-Centre right now. He is texting me to re-assure me that he will be fine. I know he will but I have a bit of an over reaction problem. I think I need an intervention.

Monday

Holy hell!! My house is a pig sty! Weekends are so wasted around here. We do nothing and then I get stuck with the fallout on Mondays.

I am trying to balance so many plates at once and let me tell you, they are all very precarious right now. But t'is ok. It is my job to do all the crap and dammit I will do it well because that is the only way I know how. Being sick for a month has really put me behind. But I feel better now so enough bitching.

I am trying to figure out what to plan for meals this week. I already have a roast in the slow cooker for today. So the rest may go as follows:

Monday : Slow cooker roast and mashed potatoes with carrots.

Tuesday: Meat loaf (trying out a new recipe from a Company's Coming cook book)

Wednesday: Chicken and rice casserole so long as my kids haven't eaten all my crackers. If they have then Sweet & Sour Chicken.

Thursday: Baked pork chops with oven fries.

Friday: Pizza.

The weekend we will just play it by ear. My Dear Nathan cooks on the weekends so we will see what he whips up.

I am off to do our taxes now. We will need the money so Momma can go on vacation! Assuming of course that I can find someone to watch my little monsters during the day for a few days.

TTFN.

Wasting Time

For the last few years I have been attending a Parents & Tots program at my Community League. It was nice to get out once a week and have some adult conversation and some other kids for Roo and Kaiden to play with. The lady that was running it last year no longer has kids at home as her youngest is in Kindergarten now. As I was going to be around and really enjoyed myself I volunteered to take over the program.

There really isn't much to it. Show up, set up tables and toys, clean toys when needed and enjoy the company. Problem is.....no one is coming. In the last few weeks there has been a few people come but other than that I could count on one hand how many times I have had people show up.

I changed the morning in hopes that others would join us but no luck. Only the same few people are showing up and like I said, it has only been a few weeks. I hate going and sitting there by myself. I know that the President of the Community League has said that she appreciates that someone is running the program because it gives the opportunity for parents to come when they want. Problem is that I would rather be taking part in another parents groups where I am getting what I want out of the time. Someone to talk to, kids for mine to play with and time worth spending.

I am very much a home body. I love just staying at home. I don't leave unless I have too. I hate leaving my house to waste time in a place where I get nothing done. Granted, as I am sitting in a empty hall, with only my 2 constant companions I have all these ideas of what I would be doing if I were at home, knowing full well that I wouldn't be deep cleaning my kitchen or doing laundry, but the option is gone when I am not home.

I feel bad because one of the few people that do come said Hi to me this morning and explained that it was too cold and she was just dropping off her daughter at playschool. I kind of blasted her a bit about having better things to do with my time than sitting there by myself and yadda, yadda. She didn't deserve to be on the end of my rant but at the same time it is no warmer for me or my kids to be anywhere. To make matters worse is I couldn't get the furnace to work in the hall, so the temperature for the 2 hours we were there was a balmy 15 degrees.

I just wish that I felt like my time wasn't being wasted. There is nothing that I hate more than when people assume that my time is somehow expendable or less valuable than theirs. I hate it when people make plans with me and then blow me off or say they will call and then don't. Or a multitude of other things that result in me planning my time for them or setting aside time for them. I guess I will just have to start making better use of the time that I have set aside for my community and make it work for me and maybe stop bitching so much.