Thursday, November 15, 2012

My Incoherent Ramblings on Marriage

At this very moment in time I am so very worried about my baby brother. He came home from work out of town to an empty house. The dog and one of his cats, gone. Along with his wife of just 4 years. I would never have classified their relationship as solid. But my brother loved her and she him. I am so sad to see my brother hurting like he is right now. And I wish I was closer to him although I know that this is not something I can fix.

My Dear Nathan and I have been married for almost 15 years. I love him like....I can't even describe it. He is my everything. We have had some rough times in our marriage where it was hanging by a thread. There are times when it is so much work and times when it seems so easy.

One of the things that I have heard my brother say is that if she had just done what I wanted her to do things would have been fine. I don't think that is true of any relationship. If you wait for someone to do things for you in order to find happiness and contentment, you will be waiting for a very long time. Someone will never be able to do enough to make you happy. Only you can do that. I have learned this over the last few years.

We have had some of our friends comment on our marriage and how lucky we are to have what we have (and believe me, we know it!). In some instances we have even been asked for advice. I am sometimes unsure of how to answer certain questions that people ask. I am not an expert by any means and what works for us might mean disaster for someone else. In all the times that I have thought about what advice to give I have realized that there is only one thing that I should say with certainty. There is no magic that will fix something that is broken.

When our marriage was broken the things that helped fix it were the decision to make it work, lots of talking and time. Unless you decide to make it work I don't think that there is anything that will help. That decision for me involved putting my heart on the line and deciding to trust in him even when he had broken my trust. I only came to that decision because he finally talked to me. Nothing gets fixed without talking about it. Nothing. This is not exclusive to marriage but to anything. Talking can be so hard. You don't want to hurt anyone, or be embarrassed or have to admit to your own short comings. I know that I didn't. I am so glad that I did though. It saved my marriage and my daughter.

I know that whatever happens for my brother he will be better off. This situation is one hell of a wake up call. And the decision is his now. Decide to fix what is broken and do the hard work to do it. Or make the hard decision of letting go of something that may be beyond repair. Either way, they both require lots of talking.


Cammy said...

Couldn't agree with you more (re: loving yourself, talking, and it being work but worth it). I also believe there is no such thing as a bad break up because when all the pain, etc. is over and you come through on the other side you are a better person if you've done the work. Same goes for a save I imagine - if you do the work together it's got to be stronger as a result.

MARIAMMA K A said...

I liked your saying" nothing gets fixed up without talking about it" very true.