A Light in the Darkness

I have been a homeowner for going on 8 years now. I love it. I love that every leak, crack, and broken thing is my responsibility. I can fix it or leave it cuz it's my choice. One thing that I have always felt was not my choice was the kitchen.

In my first house the kitchen was about the size of a public restroom. I am almost positive we could have at least 3 stalls in it. It was a lovely shade of insanely bright yellow, especially in the morning when we came upstairs from our dungeon bedroom to the blinding sun reflecting off the blinding walls.

In our second house, although is was brand new, we bought it after everything had already been picked out. It was brown. All brown, with leaves on the countertop. And cheap appliances. We always knew that it would not be our "forever" house so we did not even consider any renovations.

Jump ahead to today. Our house is slowly transforming into our vision. We have done some painting and have some plans in place for a new bathroom (good thing I have a plumber on the payroll). Most important, though, is the kitchen. Our kitchen is about as ugly as they come. Blue cabinets and yellow walls. Why, oh why, do I wind up with yellow walls? I must also add that when we moved in our dishwasher matched the color of the cabinetry. It was all so very 80s.

Now for the light in my darkness. At this very moment I can officially say that we are doing a kitchen reno. We will be picking out fancy, new stainless steel appliances, ordering beautiful new cabinetry on Saturday, painting, tiling and, the most fun part, doing demolition to kick it all off!!

I cannot believe that finally I will have a kitchen that is mine. Not just one that I settled for but one that I planned out, picked colors and appliances, flooring and paint for. Now I will only have to wonder...will it be just as much of a pain in the ass to clean?

Down, down, down.

Don't you hate it when you feel like crying for no reason all the time...and then you think about how dumb that is and then you have to laugh at yourself but when you are done laughing you feel like an idiot? OK, it is probably just me that feels that way.

It is so frustrating that right now I can't even write about it. I am afraid to write about it because I don't want anyone to think that I am having a pity party and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but at the same time I want to tell...well everyone. I wish that I could explain to people who don't me very well (and even some who do) why I have an overwhelming urge to cry on their lap....I wish I could explain it to me.

Slipping....

I need to remember that it is not their fault that I feel the way I do right now. It is not their fault, my fault or anyone's fault, it just is.

I need a hand to help me up, a shoulder to cry on without an explanation, especially now because I couldn't explain if I wanted to, a hug that won't let go and a horizon with the sun coming over it. I need to smile and mean it. I need it to be as easy as just feeling better. I need to know when it will go away so I have something to look forward to.

I need to go hug my babies and be thankful I have them.

Bah Lovebug!

Well....I have not been in the best of moods lately. I don't want to get into details but believe me when I say I need to drink large, LARGE amounts of alcohol.

Anyway. It is afternoon, I have slept all morning because I had no desire to get out of bed. The inevitable happened....Ryleigh needed to eat and so here I was all ready to come and blog about all my miseries. I decided to check out Cammy's blog for an update...so glad I did! It made me smile and feel better. She may be having her new baby today!! I hope that everything is going well for her and Jay. I can't wait for an update.

It never ceases to amaze me, how a little person can turn your day around. And I haven't even met this one....but now I can enjoy mine more. Thanks Cammy! I'm thinking about you today!

Decisions, Decisions

ARRRRGGGG!!!!

I don't know what to do and no one will tell me. Why, oh why must my parents be in Hawaii when I need someone to tell me what to do?

As previously mentioned, I do not want to return to work full time at the very moment. I am not sure when the time will come that I do want to return to work. In the meantime I think that I would like to go back to school. Problem is that I am an instant gratification kind of girl. I want to go back to school NOW!! Only I don't want to have to pay for it and I want to GET paid while going.

I have been exploring my options and the one that seems most appealing is Athabasca University which would allow me to do distance learning at my own pace. Sounds great. So I have been trying to find out about financial aid (not likely that I would get it...but worth a shot). Apparently finding a financial aid advisor is about as easy as picking the winning lottery numbers.

*insert baby crying in background while I type* You are looking at the mother of the year!

Anyway, I also have the option of applying for funding that I was previously receiving at the U of C....only thing is that I am at the bottom of the totem pole to receive it and I must attend a full-time, real life school. Fine, I could apply at Grant McEwan or even the U of A for September semester but that means doing the exact same thing that I don't want to do regarding work....putting my kids in daycare. So this option is less appealing and even more up in air with the whole getting paid for going to school bit.

So here I sit....monster breathing down my neck with visions of bill collectors dancing on my front step.