The Art of Self Replication

The more that I look at pictures of Camryn the more I am convinced that Nathan and I did not conceive her together.

Nathan somehow just planted his clone inside me to incubate for 9 months.

Look at the picture....do you see any Nancy in there? I don't!!!! Look at that nose...that has Schmuland written all over it. (The picture of Nathan and Ryleigh is added purely for comparative purposes).

This picture was taken today after Camryn finally let me "yoink" her tooth out. She wanted to let it fall out all by itself. I think that it probably would have held on for days which wouldn't have necessarily been a bad thing as the Tooth Fairy does not get her E.I. cheque for another week.

How Sad Entertainment Has Become

Since I have been home I have had the opportunity to watch insane amounts of television. I have seen countless amounts of commercials that make me laugh, commercials that make me shake my head and thousands upon thousands of movie trailers.

Some make me want to go out and spend my children's university funds to see the movie, they just look that good. Some make me want to spend one of Nathan's paycheques and go to the "cheap" theatre and others are "wait for the dvd" movies.

But there has been one movie trailer in particular lately that has even made me check out the movie website....wait for it....wait for it....is the anticipation too much for you?




SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!




Has our North American culture been so creative that we have worn out all of the good movie titles? Or are we just too damn lazy to even want to think of anything creative?

The first time that I saw the trailer I seriously had to wonder whether or not it was a joke. I have seen joke movie trailers on some of the better television channels that were mildly amusing. I thought this could be one of those funny jokes...ha...ha...ha. But soon the ha, ha, ha's and wakka, wakka, wakka's turned to confused looks on faces, tilted heads and a great big "huh"? It was a "blink, blink, shake your head" moment.

I came to the realization that, indeed, SNAKES ON A PLANE, is a real movie. With a real actor in it. Samuel L. Jackson must have some sort of community service to do. That is the only logical explanation for such a talented actor appearing in what appears to be a Dr. Seuss book on crystal meth.

Well it is time to go....the bank is closing and I need the kid's RESP's. SNAKES ON A PLANE starts this week.

Black Holes and Purple Nipples

I have been thinking and thinking the last few days that I really must post a new entry. I would have loved to been typing as opposed to the way that I have spent the last few days.

Where to begin....how about saying up front that I think that I must sacrifice something, someone or whatever is necessary to the the breastfeeding gods. SOON!!!

While pregnant I was very much looking forward to breastfeeding. After an initial breastfeeding bump in the road while Camryn was a baby everything settled down and went smoothly until I decided that I wanted my boobs back. Having a pleasant experience with Camryn, I figured that the third time would be a charm. WRONG!!!!

Ryleigh began her life by sucking cracks the size of the Grand Canyon into my nipples. This was so painful that I had to go on a hunt in the middle of the night to buy a bottle with which to feed my 5 day old baby. At that point in time, I would rather have had hot daggers stuck into my eyes.

After deciding to temporarily bottle feed my baby, put away my daggers and turning off the stove that I decided that I better get some help from our friendly health nurse. She taught me how to shove my whole, rather large, nipple into my tiny baby's mouth and lo and behold it felt better. It is amazing how much better breastfeeding feels when done properly. Anyway....after successful feeding the last few weeks...the Grand Canyon size cracks have healed and all is well....

Until a few days ago. I thought that the mild pain I was experiencing was due to the fact that I had not been as diligent about applying the ever important lanolin cream, used to keep my nipples youthful and supple. So I starting again with the lanolin. And the pain got worse....and worse...and then my nipples started to look old and haggard. Red. Hot. Sore. Dry. The list could continue.

Back to the friendly health nurse. She asked me if anything was growing on my nipples. What? Isn't that my baby growing on my nipples? Isn't that what the previous pain was for? To grow my baby? Apparently something else can grow on nipples. I did not know this. Yeast. Yeast is apparently growing on my nipples and I don't like it one bit. And it grows fast!!! I was in excruciating pain by yesterday afternoon after having seen the friendly health nurse the day before. The pain was so frightful that I became the queen of internet self diagnosis and an expert in researching nipple yeast treatments. At that point if someone told me sticking hot daggers in my eyes would make me feel better I would have turned the stove on.

I read about this wonder drug called Gentian Violet. Sounded like a good idea, no stove required. I demanded Nathan's credit card and was on a hunt for the stuff. I came home with a huge bottle of the purple nectar (it was all the pharmacy had and I didn't want to look any further) and hopes of relieved nipples. I had read that it could be messy but I was determined to be very careful when applying it.

The first step was to treat Ryleigh's mouth. Sounded easy enough. Dip Q-Tip into bottle; insert into baby's mouth. One thing they forgot to warn me about was the fact that it would make my baby's sweet mouth look like a gaping black hole. It is quite scary to have your baby screaming at you with a black hole. Thank god she doesn't have teeth. A black hole with teeth would be terrifying.

The second step is paint your nipples. Easy. I am so happy that I never went and spent money on nipple pasties. Bright purple is a very flattering color for an enlarged chest. Did I mention that if it gets wet it rubs off and stains the skin? Not only are my nipples purple....so is my stomach...in 2 round spots approximately2 inchs lower than my breasts (when standing).

To sum it all up...the last few days I have had a black mouthed baby who has turned purple from her nose to her chin, purple nipples and purple polkaroo spots on my tummy. I have not had a shirt on except to go pick up my car and have just discovered that I may have to paint my baby's bum as well.

I will have a baby with black holes at either end. Lucky for me...no teeth.

Pathetic, Lame and Totally Disgraceful

I really need to get a life. I have come to the realization that I really need to uproot my ass from my couch more often.

Tuesday, as we all know was August 1. The first Tuesday of the month....that magical day when certain grocery stores give you 10% off your purchase just for choosing to spend your money there (or in our case, as we have no money, racking up Nathan's new credit card....but hey we are getting Airmiles with which to flee creditors). I was excited at the thought of having food in my house once again. While the 5-6 days that we ate out last week were a welcome change it is time that I fed my family once again with food cooked lovingly from my heart. (Who am I kidding....I can't cook with a baby hanging off my boob....food cooked begrudingly by Nathan after a long day of work).

As the excitement of going grocery shopping built throughout the day a horrifying thought entered my mind....it's Tuesday...blink, blink....night of the mighty reality t.v. shows. Big Brother 7: All Stars, Last Comic Standing....ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA. How could I go grocery shopping when I can witness the greatest invention of this generation....reality television? Ahhhh, thank god for the second greatest invention of this generation....PVR!!!

As I sat down to feed my parasite I have named Ryleigh, I set the PVR to record Rock Star: Supernova (which I only watch to fantasize about Jason Newsted, even with the Lyle Lovett hairdo), so as not to miss any minute of it after we left. We watched some of the show before Ryleigh was done and then went on our merry way, confident we would see bad rocker chics butcher classic rock tunes.

Upon arrival at the magical grocery store I realized....with a sudden panic and wide eyes....I had forgotten to set the PVR for the rest of my shows....we needed to abort the grocery trip and return home at once!!! Nathan did not agree. I had to shop...he made me...but I made him buy me ice cream...the kind I like, as revenge for missing my shows. At this point, I refer you back to the title of my post....

Well, I survived missing my shows....I sat down to watch Last Comic Standing at 11:00 on the B.C. channels (I love the pacific time zone) and then realized I was bored and did not care to finish watching. I got up to kick Nathan off the computer so that I could check on Big Brother....drat....they have not posted the update yet. How was I to sleep not knowing who won the Power of Veto? So as not to keep you in suspense...I slept comfortably (for a few hours) knowing that I would find out what happened on BB7....the Newfies....they are my saviour.

They replay Big Brother the day after original airing....just in case they have to go grocery shopping too....