Oh So Many Choices

I have 5 days to decide what to do with 2. My parents have requested my children for the weekend. They are even going to meet me half way to pick them up. That means that they really want to see them. Who am I to refuse?

Now I have to decide what I am going to do all weekend with no kids. Well, Nathan will still be here so I guess I should try to incorporate him into my plans. Everytime I know that I am not going to have my kids for any amount of time I get all excited thinking about the temporary freedom Nathan and I will have and all of the things that we could potentially do. We could go out to the bar, we could go to a movie, we could drive out to Jasper for a night, the list could go on and on. The major problem with all of the previously listed activities is that they require money. Something that is extremely rare and difficult to come by in this house. It is kind of like commercial-free programming. You know it exists, just not in your world.

Now without any money the list of things to do while temporarily free gets substantially shorter. We could.....clean the house, do yard work, start kitchen demolition, teach the 3-legged cat some new tricks or maybe even talk to each other. You will notice that this list does not seem nearly as fun as the one requiring money.

I figure that the solution to my problem is somewhere in Red Deer. I will bring the kids to my Dad. We will meet in a parking lot. I will hand over the kids and he will hand over a plain envelope filled with money. With said money in hand I will gleefully drive home, making plans all the way. After the first hour or so of freedom and not being able to decide what to do Nathan and I will come to the same conclusion that we do every other time our kids are gone for a few days. Money is not nearly as fun without having kids to spend it on.

Small Things Amusing A Small Mind

So as I sit here on a lazy Sunday evening, waiting with baited breath for The Sopranos to begin, I decided to do some blog cruising and there it was.....on the very bottom of the list.....My Friend Told Me I Should....listed on someone other than Cammy's blog. I am so very excited!! I told my family and well, they don't particularly care. I care though, very much. The list of people that I am boring to death has expanded. Today I bored one more person. Tomorrow, world domination!!!

Cheesecake = Appreciation

As I sit here in front of my computer amongst mess and disaster in the background I hear the lovely noises that Ryleigh makes as she gets excited listening to the saccharine tunes of Barney and his friends. The sun is shining outside and it is currently +13 here.

My laundry is washing, my cheesecake is chilling (very first one I have ever baked. Cross your fingers it tastes good), the 3-legged cat is sleeping and there are no signs of awesome father-in-law thus far. My baby and I napped together this morning, her with her head using mine as a pillow, in my comfy bed on clean, fresh-smelling sheets.

I am loving every moment of this day. I love it even more so because of Nathan. For months I have been stressing out about my EI running out and what are we going to do about money and this, that and the other thing. He can see how much I enjoy being at home with our girls right now and so he is off at work so that I don't have to be. Not that he wouldn't be there otherwise but I would have had to go to work on Monday. The guilt that I feel about not being at work was and still is very overwhelming. I have never not worked or gone to school with some sort of income. I have always contributed in some way financially but for now I am on strict orders to be where I want to be, at home, with my baby. My husband and other family make this possible for me. I hope the cheesecake is good enough to show my appreciation. If not.....I guess I will bake an apple pie.

Disarray

So, here I am two weeks after signing off so that I could paint my computer room. Well, here is the update.

Computer room - still not painted. I had to put the painting on hold to prepare for our rockin' party (which rocked by the way...a little too hard for me but that is another story). I had full intentions of resuming painting on the Monday after said rockin' party but awesome father-in-law was still here. I was kind of hoping that the disarray of my spare room would have scared him off....but it didn't. I was going to resume painting this past weekend as the weather sucked and it would have been a perfect time to paint. Apparently it was a perfect time to have a cat with a broken leg too. My poor Squeaky-boy has a cast on and has now been confined to the unfinished mess that is my computer room. Can't paint now. I can handle a cat with a broken leg but I do not think that I can handle a cat with a broken leg that is high on paint fumes.

Squeak will be lame for the next 4-6 weeks. I cannot hold off painting for that long as I need to have some of my house put back together before the total chaos that is kitchen renovation begins. At this point I place the completion of the computer room sometime around May long weekend. I am hoping that awesome father-in-law will find an alternate place to stay while he is here next week (only because without the spare room my kids lose their beds....yes, both of them!! Maybe that is not the only reason, but that too, is another story). Maybe a chaotic computer room is not such a bad thing. Maybe I could put it in a bag and sell it as awesome father-in-law repellent.

So at the moment, my cat is essentially 3-legged, my baby is teething, my computer room is a mere shell of its former self, Nathan is back at work (both good and bad), my awesome father-in-law should be here in days, I have no money due to a 3-legged cat, my mop is missing, my eye is itchy and, all in all, my life is completely upside down. I hope that I can get it somewhat together before I have no kitchen.

Procrastination At Its Best

List of things to do before Thursday....

1. Wash, dry and fold mountain of laundry that is covering up one of my children.
2. Paint computer room so that Ryleigh can have her room back (a.k.a. getting the futon the hell out of there). This job is done in joyous anticipation of awesome father-in-law's impending visit.
3. Pack clothes for ALL of the kids to spend the weekend at Gramma & Poppa's house. YAY!!!
4. Take kids for haircuts between various activities on Tuesday and Wednesday night.
5. Clean entire house in anticipation of rockin' party to be held on Saturday. YAY!!!
6. Order keg for rockin' party on Saturday. YAY!!!

So they are not all bad things but just too many to try to have done before Thursday. I have more stuff that needs to be done on Friday and Saturday morning, but those things can wait until then.

Did I mention that I will not be home all day on Wednesday and that I am leaving to go out of town for the night Thursday afternoon.

Well now comes the time to shut down the computer and make its home all pretty and new. Will post before and after pics within the next week (I HOPE!!!!!).

Ok. Here It Is.

Last night (or very early this morning) I was lying in bed thinking about the Real Moms thing. I kept thinking about all of the things that I could say make a Real Mom. I thought about how I would type out my thoughts and then realized that some of the things that I say might offend some other people and then it came to me.

REAL MOMS ARE CHANGED PEOPLE.

Once upon a time, long, long ago I am fairly certain that I would not have worried about offending people. I had an "I don't give a shit" attitude. That attitude served me well and got me in trouble all at the same time but at that point in my life it was what made me who I was, good and/or bad. I have come to realize that no matter how much I try to convince myself that I am or will be the same person after having had children, I am not and cannot be the same person I once was.

I can no longer have an "I don't give a shit" attitude (well, I guess I could but then I could not fault my children if they were the same way). I can no longer always make myself #1. Granted, it is very important for Moms to do that and I (we) should do it more consistently but the days of "takin' care of #1" are long gone. To me, #1 now means Darian, followed by #2 Camryn and #3 Ryleigh (of course this does not mean that I take care of any one of my children more than the other....except Ryleigh but that just goes without saying right now).

I look back at my attitude and actions and think about how they contributed to the person that I am today. While my past is a significant portion of who I am it is when I became a Mother that made me Me. My life and who I am is like a puzzle. My past is the completed border but my children are the pieces that fill the inside.

Still here

I have been neglecting the blog lately. It is solely because my life is boring and I do the same thing everyday. Today I am rearranging Ryleigh's bedroom in an attempt to temporarily put our sofa bed in there so that I can paint our computer room which should have been done a month ago. I really should be doing laundry though. See aren't you glad you tuned in for that compelling update!!!

Feels good

I may totally regret it....but I did what I said what I would..........welcome to my nightmare.....

The Next Phase

Only 2 more sleeps....that is not very many. Only 2 more sleeps until I have to go to (gulp) a junior high school. I haven't set foot in one of those for a coon's age. And let me tell you it is one, very old coon.

Darian is about to embark on the next chapter of her life, which is obviously going by faster than anticipated by her "Mother". (My children have begun calling me "Mother", what comes after that? I know for my Mother it was Grandma.....OMG.....Ok, that is another post altogether!!!)

Darian has already brought home an information pack regarding a trip that the Grade 7 class is taking in about a year from now. I think back to my Grade 7 year and I think that the furthest I went was Edmonton. I know for sure that I went to Calgary in Grade 6, but that wasn't junior high. So where, you ask, is the Grade 7 class of 2007/2008 going? For 9 glorious days they will be touring...get this....are you ready....? GREECE AND ITALY!!!

While I was pregnant with Darian no one informed me that not only would I have to put off any sort of vacation for myself until she was well into her 20s but that she would travel more for school than I have ever travelled in my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE! What shade of green am I right now? I can't believe that for the next year I will have to save all my pennies to send my daughter half way around the world, without me.

Actually, I am green with envy and feeling many more emotions than there are colors to describe them. I was only presented with the opportunity to go to Vancouver for a trip during high school. Other than that, there were no exotic field trips to places that would have really confirmed how much of a hole Fort McMurray was to live in. I looked forward to that trip to Vancouver like no other trip. I love Vancouver and I was going to be going without my parents.

That was until I decided not to attend classes. It was not a new phenomenon for me not to attend school. The difference was that my parents could hit me where it hurt this time. I never did get to go on that trip. It was my own fault but it doesn't make me wonder any less whether or not that trip could have been the kick I needed to get serious about music again.

I have talked with Darian about what she will be responsible for doing in the coming year. What we expect from her mark wise (which is also required by the school in order to be able to take the trip), about what it means to be moving on to the next phase in her education and life, the changes that need to be and will inevitably happen.

I will send my oldest daughter to junior high in six months. I will send my oldest daughter to Greece and Italy in one year. I will do what I have to do in order to ensure that she has every opportunity to grow and become a better person than her mother.

Mobile Munching Machine

In the past week there has been some very momentous occasions (all of which are Ryleigh related....momentous occasions for Darian to follow next week).

Ryleigh has become more than a baby but not quite yet a toddler...the mobile, munching machine. She has finally cut her first tooth, which I thought would never happen (thought, wished...meh...same thing when still breastfeeding) and she has discovered a much more efficient way to chase the cats. Hand, knee, hand, knee or some variation of same until the forward motion begins....

This means that I now have to wash my floor everyday, purchase a baby gate and the worst part of all, pick up my beer cans!! (Just kiddin' about the beer cans...Darian and Camryn put them in the recycle bag for me!) (Just kiddin' about that too....)

I can't believe that I can feel so excited and so sad at the same time. I don't want my baby to grow so fast but I love to watch her discover her world around her everyday. It just goes by so fast....from mobile, munching machine to junior high in no time. If you don't believe me....tune in next week.

One Year

To the Lady:

Happy one year anniversary. It was one year ago today that your carelessness cost me my car. Thank god for you that was all. Thank god that I had just dropped my kids off. You would have hurt my daughter...badly. Thank god that I slowed down some...you could have caused me to lose my unborn baby. Thank god that my car did what it was supposed to....you could have hurt me...worse.

I think about you when I drive through the intersection everyday, after coming to a stop because I never know who is on the other side of that huge bush. I think about you and how you were more concerned with clearing all the garbage out of your van in an attempt to find your insurance card than whether or not I was alright. I think about you trying to talk your way out of a fine while I sat and hoped that my baby would move just to let me know that she was ok. I think about you everyday and how in just one moment I could have lost so much.

I am in a perpetual driving circle because of you...I take my time and look out for idiot drivers and I watch for idiot drivers so it takes me more time. This is not a bad thing so for that I have to thank you.

I also have to thank you for spending 4 hours lying in a hospital bed hooked up to monitors to make sure that my baby was staying where she was supposed to. Thank you for the day of work that my husband had to miss. Thank you for the months of physiotherapy I went to and the bills that I had to pay for it. Thank you for making my pregnancy almost unbearable on some days because my body hurt so bad.

Thank you though for the lifetime of back pain that I will have to deal with. Thank you for the awful thoughts of car crashes that flash through my head while I am driving; waiting for my husband to come home from work and travelling to see my family. Thank you for the unbelieveable anger that I have experienced. I have never known anger like that before.

I am still angry. I know that many people have experienced much worse than my relatively minor accident and I can't begin to imagine their anger and hurt. I just know that today I will be more careful. My hope for you is that you are more careful too. I hope that you remember our one year anniversary and take the time to drive with care. Pay attention to the yield sign, you don't know what is on the other side of that huge bush either. Remember that you are no more important than any other person on the road and you don't need to be where you are going any quicker. Remember my car being towed away and that you caused that. Yes...I am still angry.

My hope for our second anniversary is that I can forgive you.

Growing Up

Well, we did it. We went and ordered our new kitchen cabinets yesterday. I feel so grown up...and you know that you are getting old when a new kitchen excites you!!

So right now we are looking at June for the installation. We should have a new kitchen to bake Ryleigh's first birthday cake in!

YAY!!!

A Light in the Darkness

I have been a homeowner for going on 8 years now. I love it. I love that every leak, crack, and broken thing is my responsibility. I can fix it or leave it cuz it's my choice. One thing that I have always felt was not my choice was the kitchen.

In my first house the kitchen was about the size of a public restroom. I am almost positive we could have at least 3 stalls in it. It was a lovely shade of insanely bright yellow, especially in the morning when we came upstairs from our dungeon bedroom to the blinding sun reflecting off the blinding walls.

In our second house, although is was brand new, we bought it after everything had already been picked out. It was brown. All brown, with leaves on the countertop. And cheap appliances. We always knew that it would not be our "forever" house so we did not even consider any renovations.

Jump ahead to today. Our house is slowly transforming into our vision. We have done some painting and have some plans in place for a new bathroom (good thing I have a plumber on the payroll). Most important, though, is the kitchen. Our kitchen is about as ugly as they come. Blue cabinets and yellow walls. Why, oh why, do I wind up with yellow walls? I must also add that when we moved in our dishwasher matched the color of the cabinetry. It was all so very 80s.

Now for the light in my darkness. At this very moment I can officially say that we are doing a kitchen reno. We will be picking out fancy, new stainless steel appliances, ordering beautiful new cabinetry on Saturday, painting, tiling and, the most fun part, doing demolition to kick it all off!!

I cannot believe that finally I will have a kitchen that is mine. Not just one that I settled for but one that I planned out, picked colors and appliances, flooring and paint for. Now I will only have to wonder...will it be just as much of a pain in the ass to clean?

Down, down, down.

Don't you hate it when you feel like crying for no reason all the time...and then you think about how dumb that is and then you have to laugh at yourself but when you are done laughing you feel like an idiot? OK, it is probably just me that feels that way.

It is so frustrating that right now I can't even write about it. I am afraid to write about it because I don't want anyone to think that I am having a pity party and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but at the same time I want to tell...well everyone. I wish that I could explain to people who don't me very well (and even some who do) why I have an overwhelming urge to cry on their lap....I wish I could explain it to me.

Slipping....

I need to remember that it is not their fault that I feel the way I do right now. It is not their fault, my fault or anyone's fault, it just is.

I need a hand to help me up, a shoulder to cry on without an explanation, especially now because I couldn't explain if I wanted to, a hug that won't let go and a horizon with the sun coming over it. I need to smile and mean it. I need it to be as easy as just feeling better. I need to know when it will go away so I have something to look forward to.

I need to go hug my babies and be thankful I have them.

Bah Lovebug!

Well....I have not been in the best of moods lately. I don't want to get into details but believe me when I say I need to drink large, LARGE amounts of alcohol.

Anyway. It is afternoon, I have slept all morning because I had no desire to get out of bed. The inevitable happened....Ryleigh needed to eat and so here I was all ready to come and blog about all my miseries. I decided to check out Cammy's blog for an update...so glad I did! It made me smile and feel better. She may be having her new baby today!! I hope that everything is going well for her and Jay. I can't wait for an update.

It never ceases to amaze me, how a little person can turn your day around. And I haven't even met this one....but now I can enjoy mine more. Thanks Cammy! I'm thinking about you today!

Decisions, Decisions

ARRRRGGGG!!!!

I don't know what to do and no one will tell me. Why, oh why must my parents be in Hawaii when I need someone to tell me what to do?

As previously mentioned, I do not want to return to work full time at the very moment. I am not sure when the time will come that I do want to return to work. In the meantime I think that I would like to go back to school. Problem is that I am an instant gratification kind of girl. I want to go back to school NOW!! Only I don't want to have to pay for it and I want to GET paid while going.

I have been exploring my options and the one that seems most appealing is Athabasca University which would allow me to do distance learning at my own pace. Sounds great. So I have been trying to find out about financial aid (not likely that I would get it...but worth a shot). Apparently finding a financial aid advisor is about as easy as picking the winning lottery numbers.

*insert baby crying in background while I type* You are looking at the mother of the year!

Anyway, I also have the option of applying for funding that I was previously receiving at the U of C....only thing is that I am at the bottom of the totem pole to receive it and I must attend a full-time, real life school. Fine, I could apply at Grant McEwan or even the U of A for September semester but that means doing the exact same thing that I don't want to do regarding work....putting my kids in daycare. So this option is less appealing and even more up in air with the whole getting paid for going to school bit.

So here I sit....monster breathing down my neck with visions of bill collectors dancing on my front step.

The Monster Around The Corner

I can see it...

It is lurking around the corner, watching my every move.

I hate it. I hate the thought of it. *shudder*

The big, furry, smelly, disgusting, creature that sucks the life out of us 40 hours at a time! Work!

My EI is quickly coming to an end and that makes me so sad. That means that sometime in the near future I am going to have to look for a job. Not a full time job, but something to at least help out, to make up for the hole in my bank account that is going to appear once the government kicks me out of the nest.

I am sitting here, thinking about what I want to do. The thing is that what I want to do is stay at home with my kids, unfortunately the pay sucks! I know that this a first for me as I distinctly remember clawing my way out the door to go back to work or school when Darian and Camryn were little. I didn't know any better back then.

It is not all about Ryleigh that I want to stay home though. I can see that my kids are different. They are better people because I am at home. They have a warm (or cool, such as the weather dictates) ride to and from school everyday. They have help with their mountains of homework at a reasonable time, they eat at a reasonable time and go to bed at a reasonable time. Don't get me wrong, all of these things are more than possible with a working mother, I have done it and see it done everday by those around me, but I don't want that anymore. There are a bazillion other reasons that I want to stay home besides just the logistics of homework, eating and bedtimes but to think about missing out on them makes me teary.

In light of the impending situation of my return to work I am presently taking sales pitches for the next million dollar idea. Please submit ASAP!!

MISSING!!

I am missing the baby that I gave birth too! The one that slept through the night since 6 weeks. I am not sure who took her but whomever did replaced her with an exact replica. Only the replica doesn't sleep for 10 hours straight!

Ryleigh must be growing as I cannot feed the child enough! She is pretty much on solids (much to my dismay, though I did know that the day would come). She has 3 meals a day, usually cereal for breakfast and lunch, with some sort of smelly jarred veg and fruit for dinner. I am still breastfeeding in between (I am more of a chew toy these days) and have also introduced a sippy cup.....just for fun.

She is waking during the night to play for a bit, then eat for a bit and then she goes back to sleep. Then she will wake up and eat again!! OMG I slept better when she was a newborn. I guess she is just building up her energy supply for when she starts crawling....*sniff, sniff*

My baby is growing and there is nothing that I can do about it. I feel so helpless....guess it is time for a new one!?!?

Proud Mommy

This is short but sweet....

The other we were sitting at the table having dinner (been doing that alot lately, it is so nice....). Anyway, we had the tv on in the background and there was some show on about American girls and what they want and yadda, yadda.

The story was something about how girls would rather have fame than anything else. As I was listening to this I decided to see what my girls would say.

"Would you guys rather be pretty, famous or smart?"

Enthusiastically and without hesitation, in stereo,

"Smart!!"

My heart is beaming....I am doing something right.