Just When I Thought...

As per my other update about Darian, things are going well right now.  We have been on the same dosage of medications of a few months.  Until today.

Darian has to have regular blood work done while on these medications.  Both to ensure that she is on a therapeutic level and to monitor for certain side effects.

One of the side effects of the anti-psychotic medication she is on is low white blood cell count.  Hers came up low on a recent blood test so the psychiatrist wanted another test to confirm.  Turns out the medication is having an adverse affect on her.  Effect today we are weaning off for the next 3 days as she is unable to continue with this medication that she has been taking for over a year.

We are starting a new medication in 4 days.  It is brand new.  To us and on the market.  It has been available for only a month.  We, of course, are starting on a low dosage.  This makes me nervous.  This will put her (and us) at risk of having a manic/depressive episode.  I am hoping that this will not be the case and that all the worry I am feeling right now will be for nothing.

My Incoherent Ramblings on Marriage

At this very moment in time I am so very worried about my baby brother. He came home from work out of town to an empty house. The dog and one of his cats, gone. Along with his wife of just 4 years. I would never have classified their relationship as solid. But my brother loved her and she him. I am so sad to see my brother hurting like he is right now. And I wish I was closer to him although I know that this is not something I can fix.

My Dear Nathan and I have been married for almost 15 years. I love him like....I can't even describe it. He is my everything. We have had some rough times in our marriage where it was hanging by a thread. There are times when it is so much work and times when it seems so easy.

One of the things that I have heard my brother say is that if she had just done what I wanted her to do things would have been fine. I don't think that is true of any relationship. If you wait for someone to do things for you in order to find happiness and contentment, you will be waiting for a very long time. Someone will never be able to do enough to make you happy. Only you can do that. I have learned this over the last few years.

We have had some of our friends comment on our marriage and how lucky we are to have what we have (and believe me, we know it!). In some instances we have even been asked for advice. I am sometimes unsure of how to answer certain questions that people ask. I am not an expert by any means and what works for us might mean disaster for someone else. In all the times that I have thought about what advice to give I have realized that there is only one thing that I should say with certainty. There is no magic that will fix something that is broken.

When our marriage was broken the things that helped fix it were the decision to make it work, lots of talking and time. Unless you decide to make it work I don't think that there is anything that will help. That decision for me involved putting my heart on the line and deciding to trust in him even when he had broken my trust. I only came to that decision because he finally talked to me. Nothing gets fixed without talking about it. Nothing. This is not exclusive to marriage but to anything. Talking can be so hard. You don't want to hurt anyone, or be embarrassed or have to admit to your own short comings. I know that I didn't. I am so glad that I did though. It saved my marriage and my daughter.

I know that whatever happens for my brother he will be better off. This situation is one hell of a wake up call. And the decision is his now. Decide to fix what is broken and do the hard work to do it. Or make the hard decision of letting go of something that may be beyond repair. Either way, they both require lots of talking.

Super Tuesday

It is election day in the U.S. My only wish is that we as Canadians paid as much attention to our own elections as we seem to pay to the election down south. That is all.

The Internetz Blowz My Mind

I always have the best of intentions on getting up everyday and making myself useful around my house. You know, doing my job as Stay at Home Mom and house wife. I always do the Mom thing, the house wife thing....not so much. I am not, and never have been, a morning person. I like to start my day by checking out what is going on with the world wide web.

I start on Facebook and some days am amazed at where my journey ends, when I realize I have wasted way too much time online. Some days I find the coolest shit to waste time away with. Check out the Akinator. Seriously, I have only fooled him once and it was with a sad excuse of a back up Quarterback, destined to be known as "Who was that guy that shit the bed while Peyton Manning was out that year?"

Other days I finally follow things that have been going on in the news for weeks already like the Mom from Calgary who went on strike and whose blog went viral because of it. She got to go to New York and be all on shows and stuff. Had I known that kind of stuff would happen I would have been telling you that kind of shit for years now. :) I read her blog and it is very amusing and very well written and I look forward to following her from now on.

What blows my mind about the internet though is how people think that they can spew whatever bullshit they want on here and have no accountability. Striking Mom posted her story on a blog because people that saw her story on Facebook wanted more of it. After it went viral it became yet another place for trolls to hang out and do what they do best. Criticize, abuse, mock, feel superior, insult, pick apart. I have been fortunate that I have yet to have trolls that have found their way to my little corner of the internet. I have had spammers but I can deal with that.

The recent tragic death of Amanda Todd has literally made me sick to my stomach as we have experienced a situation similar to the one that began the torment for this poor girl. Thankfully our path has not led to the same place and I hope that it never will. I cannot believe the hate that has poured out of some people in the forms of comments on youtube videos, comments on news stories, facebook posts, and tweets.

It is disgusting and heartbreaking to think of the torment this girl must have suffered and the despair she must have been feeling to take her own life. My heart aches for her family for experiencing this loss and even more for the vileness that has taken place on the internet in the days since. Don't get me wrong, I know not all is black and white with the internet. There are some great things to be found and some things so shocking I am sure that my mind can't even comprehend them. I know that I attribute the anonymity that comes along with a keyboard and monitor for some of the horrible things that people say online. It is very easy to be tough when you are by yourself with no one to face with the terrible things that are being said.

I keep pretty close tabs on my kids and the internet and in reality, they have very little time on it, at home anyway. One of the things that I keep reminding them of constantly though it to not post anything online that they wouldn't be willing to say to someone to their face and not to post any pictures they wouldn't be willing for their Great Grandparents to see. I admit these are lessons learned the hard way but learned nonetheless.

People talk about decline in our society and I wonder how much of it can be attributed to the technology that we have before us today. I think that we are still learning how to use it responsibly and just like anything else in life, some people will take longer to learn that lesson. It scares me to wonder what the bottom line will be before we all learn that "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all".

October, 2012

It is October 10 and today it started to snow. I wish that I could say that I was nearly as excited about it as my kids (the little ones anyway) are. There are so many things that I want to say here but I really don't know where to start, it has been so long. Let's start with something good and exciting. Update on Darian. She is doing so well. After having such a rough time with her in 2011 I am so pleased to say that she is set to graduate high school this year. She worked really hard last year to catch up on a semester that we withdrew her during Grade 10 in an effort to figure out what was going on with her. For those of you who don't know, a year ago in July we were given a diagnosis of Bi-Polar 2 Disorder. She has been taking her medication consistently since then and with a few tweaks we have found a good mixture (for the time being) that is keeping her stable and healthy. She has been working in a kitchen at a golf course for the last little while and is enjoying it immensely. Her plans are to go into the culinary arts when she is finished high school so this is great experience for her. She is a currently looking for a new job though as the golf course is set to close for the season soon. Sooner than planned if we continue to get wonderful weather like we are today. Darian has been seeing a guy named Jordan for a little over a year now. He is a great guy that our family all really love. He fits well into our family and we are happy to see their relationship grow. I think that is all for now. I will try to be more diligent about being here (if anyone else is here). I have missed it and have many more things to talk about. Have a great day! :)

Hello?

*tap, tap*.....is this thing on? Is there anyone out there?

Hope this works...I promise that one day I will come back here an actually blog something....right now I am trying to win free stuff :)

It Figures....

So I spend money on an app to be able to blog from my iPad and now lookey here....I am blogging from my iPad.

The money I spent (thankfully it was only $2.99) is wasted, especially given the fact that twice I wrote awesome posts and the app crashed causing me to lose all my work..

Why I Hate Winter

Not because it involves snow, ice and cold....at least not directly. But because trying to put mitts on a 2 year old, with thumbs where thumbs belong, is like herding cats....only not as fun.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Random Stuff

I am a little ticked off because I went and spent myself $2.99 on an app for my ipad so that I could blog from it as my computer was acting all wonky. Installed said app, typed out a blog post, went to preview it and the app crashed! I lost my post and wasted $2.99. Not at all impressed.

I am impressed with Apple though. As mentioned, my computer was acting all silly. I thought that maybe one of the kids had spilled something on my laptop as my trackpad and keyboard were not working as they should. I took my computer to the Genius Bar fully expecting to have to pay to get it fixed. Upon inspection, the Apple Genius noticed that I had some cracking on the top case, which was not at all related to the problems I was having. Apple has a quality warranty on the top case of my laptop because of this cracking so I had the whole thing replaced for nothing!! Now my computer is fixed because the top case replacement also includes replacing the trackpad and keyboard. :)

I get a Per Capita Distribution every year around Christmas and this year it is $1500.00 more than expected!! This will make our vacation that much better!! More Mickey Mouse suckers for my babies. :) More Blue Moon for Momma and Daddy! :)

My friend had a baby 6 weeks ago. I love tiny babies but will not be adding any more to my collection (of once tiny babies). My friend has honoured me with taking care of him a few days a week while she works. I get to have my tiny baby fix and still sleep at night! It is the best of both worlds. :)

Tomorrow is December 1. We don't have that much snow here and the temperatures have been great for November. Although I am sure that this means that winter will last until June, it is nice that it has been so mild since we could be knee deep in snow and have lived through a few bouts of -30 weather already in a more typical year.

Things have been going well with all the kids lately. D is improving her behaviour again, C is just ticking along, doing well in school. My Roo is getting to be such a big girl, doing well in school and she loves her Tiny Man so much. Tiny Man is talking so well. He is starting to listen and understand direction more which makes it much more enjoyable to leave the house with him. I am a very lucky Momma.

That is all for now.....my head is swimming with thoughts but I just can't seem to make them come out coherently....I think I need a nap. :)

A Quickie...

Thats what she said...

So, in a nutshell.

We are having some issues with D again. Not sure where the mental illness ends and the PITA teenager begins but it has been a rough couple of weeks. We are attending a family therapy session tomorrow so I am really hoping for some suggestions. D has a way of falling back into the same patterns and issues that we have previously dealt with, but me....I am no longer just worried and upset with her. I am angry. Very. Very. Angry. This is different for me as I am very apt to just try to make things better for immediate time. More on that later, moving on....

Christmas is coming. Way too soon. I know that I will be getting some money, which is good what with the fact that we told our kids we are going to Disneyland and all. I just don't know when I will have said money and I have even less of an idea of what little presents to buy for the kids for under the tree.

We are going into a therapy appointment as soon as I hit publish. Thought I would type just to say I did.... :)

Hope to update in more detail soon.

Perspective

I checked out Facebook this morning, like I do every other morning. This time though, I was slapped in the face with the fact that I am so blessed.

My Tiny Man is a very busy, rambunctious handful of little boy. I find that by the end of some days I am ready for My Dear Nathan to come home and tag him in to take care of Tiny Man. His sisters, more often than not, find him to be a pain in the ass. He doesn't listen to them, he hits, he screams, he always wants to play with what they have. He is 2. If anyone is volunteering to watch the kids they all happily take the girls but kind of cringe when Tiny Man is included in the mix. They don't see the sweet little boy that I do. They see trouble in a diaper.

Today I am looking at him through different eyes. A girlfriend from high school has a little boy around the same age as Tiny Man. They will find out today what type of Leukemia he has. Today I look at my son through eyes that are so thankful that I have him and that he is healthy. Today I will hug him that much harder.

Nakedness

I have Tiny Man running around naked today. I figured it is a good time to start the introduction to the potty and he has a diaper rash. So far my floor has been dry, which is good. My coffee table is also all nice and shiny clean now too. Why is this relevant? Because he was just rubbing his Tiny-manhood all over the coffee table while laying face down on it.

Family Therapy

We have had a referral for family therapy since about May or June. This afternoon is our first session. It won't be all of our family though as My Dear Nathan won't be able to be there with us today. He is working a shut down so he can't leave. :(

I feel just as nervous about this as I did the first time that we walked through the doors at CASA. All the insecurities about my parenting are creeping up. As with before, I am convinced that I am going to walk in there and they are just going to tell me that it is all my fault, that I am a horrible mother and that my children have no hope. Why should a mental health team be any different then my Mother? She told me that once. I was still pregnant with D. I wasn't even half way through my pregnancy.

Hmmm....I wonder if that moment in my life has anything to do with my insecurities??? Actually, I have been feeling like I am doing an ok job lately. D is doing well at school although we have issues to work out with her getting her ass to classes on time. She has said that she doesn't like her English teacher but it just going to have to learn how to deal with it as this is the second time she is taking the class (due to her staying home last year). Oh well, it will be a good lesson for her on how to deal with situations she doesn't control.

C is also doing well. She seems to be adjusting to junior high well and is back in the swing of things with her activities. She should be getting her instrument soon for her band class and she has been leaning towards playing the flute. :) She is having some trouble in math and I am having a hard time explaining things to her because they learn things in such a different way than I did. How do you explain something when you just know how to do it?

My Roo is doing so well in kindergarten. She did her first Terry Fox Run today. She is very hungry from all her running. :) I can see her confidence growing everyday. She knows her way around the school and it getting used to the routine of our days now. I need to explain to her, though, that at this time of the year just because it is sunny out doesn't not mean it is warm. She is always wanting to wear her shorts or her dresses to school but it is just too cool now.

Tiny Man....well he is just so much fun. I feel so bad for him because everyone just thinks of him as a handful or pain in the ass. He is so sweet though. He just wants to be engaged. All his bigger sisters do is yell at him and I admit that I get frustrated with him to because Momma just can't always keep up with him but I can't imagine my life without him.

Should go get ready now....have to go round up all my kids and head off to find out what I am doing wrong...

Better Now

So after my little pity party I was having myself this weekend I come to today. It is Sunday. Football day. A day of just hanging out at home. It was beautiful weather here and it was also free admission day at all the City facilities. None of that compares to football though.

This weekend had a few hiccups but they were little blessings in disguise. Friday we started off all running late for the day. None of the kids were on time for school but we all got to take them to school together. We had a few appointments, each involving very important aspects, and the most stressful parts, of our lives. Both of the appointments were successful. They outcomes were positive and were little lights at the end of my previously mentioned tunnel.

I took some time for myself on Saturday morning and just stayed in bed. I wasn't disturbed and was even served grilled cheese sandwiches in bed. As My Dear Nathan had 2 hockey games on Saturday I did eventually leave the comfort of my cozy room. I was just getting dressed when I discovered that my parents decided to drop in unexpectedly. I admit that I was a little rattled because this Saturday happened to be a rare one where I had plans for the afternoon and evening.

My parents were good sports and accompanied me and the kids to My Dear Nathan's hockey game. The game was won by a very short bench after it looked a little shaky at the beginning of the game. During the game my parents decided that because I had plans for the evening that they would go and visit my Grandparents. They were just going to go by themselves but wound up taking 3 of my babies. It was a great help to Momma's mental health to have a break, even if it was just for one night.

My Dear Nathan and I were invited over to a neighbour's for a bar-b-que and a fire. It was a fantastic evening with great company, mostly new people but all very warm and welcoming. The only downer was that I went to bed with a killer headache and not really feeling 100%. I truly believe that when I have opportunity to let my "mom guard" down for a little while that my emotional and physical exhaustion catch up with me, kick me in the ass and shake a finger at me telling me to take care of me better.

It was only a short time apart but I was very happy to have all my babies home today. Tiny Man had a great afternoon and was just content to entertain himself quietly for the most part. It was a relaxing day with no fighting between kids, My Dear Nathan got to have a nap this afternoon, I baked a loaf of bread, which isn't the prettiest but is tasty enough and my lasagna turned out awesome despite having only little bits of the ingredients here and there.

Today was a good day where I was able to appreciate that which I do have and not fret about that which I don't. My babies were home, they are healthy, fed and now resting. My football team is winning (for now and hoping for it to end that way). My husband loves me and I, him. We have a roof over our heads and hope of better times to look forward too.

Karma

This must be the point in my life that karma has decided to come to collect. I know that I have done some rotten things in my life. As I have gotten older I try to do my best and not be horrible and try to help when I can. I try to be a good person, a good wife, a good mom.

I must be failing on all fronts. This has been a terrible year for me. I am trying to see the positive. I am trying to realize that I really could have things worse. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My tunnel just seems to be so long. I just want to see a glimmer, a faint flicker of light. I need to see a reason to keep my head up because I am having a really hard, hard time even keeping my eyes focused through the tears.

All Over The Place

I am happy that I started to blog again. I really am. I have enjoyed the last few posts that I have made although I don' feel that they are up to par with other posts that I have written.

I am unsure of what direction I want to with here. Do I want to put all my laundry out, the clean and the dirty? Do I only want to make little posts here and there about my days? Do I only want to post when I have these waves of brilliance (yea right!!)?

Does it even matter what I put on here? Is there anyone reading? I know there is no one commenting (boo hoo :( ).

Anyhow.....some random thoughts for today.

- One year ago tomorrow we were on our way to Orlando for 12 days of kid-free bliss. It was a spectacular trip and look back at those memories every day very fondly. This trip was a way for My Dear Nathan and I to connect again after a very long year of him working out of town.

- I am so feeling all the weight that I have gained again. My clothes are beginning to be uncomfortable. I am turning into that Mom that lives in sweats and baggy shirts. I am so scared of failing, yet again, though. My Dear Nathan has told me he will join WW with me though.

- Darian has been sleeping in a lot lately. She went downstairs to bed before 9 last night. The last time this was happening was because she was sneaking out every night. I don't think that is happening again. I sincerely hope it isn't but I will definitely be doing some bed checks. It also could be from her medication.

- I don't take enough pictures of my kids. We have lots of pics from Christmas, vacations and birthdays but we don't take many candid, everyday life pictures. I want this to change. My "baby" will be 16 in a few months and our Tiny Man is already 2. I should be drowning in pictures.

- I love staying at home with my kids. I just wish that it paid better. I am almost feeling like if I don't start to work soon that we won't make it if any emergency came up. I hate living paycheque to paycheque. We are in our mid-30's and have no savings. Not a great feeling. :(

- I have really pretty cats. They are both all black and they rule!!

My Name....

is Nancy and I have a problem. I am a Disney-holic.

I did have plans today. I was going to clean Tiny Man's room. Make his upper bunk, pick up and sort through toys, sweep and wash the floor and maybe attempt at putting his curtain back up since he ripped it down months ago.

Instead of doing any of that I have spent all morning (with the exception of a long overdue visit with Leanne) reading about, dreaming about and wishing I could be in, Disney.

I have been reading the forums, looking at pictures, planning our next trip and just engrossing myself in Disney. The only thing that I haven't done that I usually would, is listen to DisRadio. Maybe this afternoon. Or maybe I will figure out a million dollar idea that will result in me living in Disney. Yes, that sounds like a great plan for the afternoon.

Or I could clean....that is way more fun.

Bad!

I spend entirely too much time watching television. I discovered that my schedule is fully booked now that the fall seasons are starting and football has started. Add to that hockey starts in a few weeks.

Sorry kids....blame your Papa for getting me to sign up for the full satellite package again. :/

My Dad had moved and was working the U.S. for some time. The plan was for my Mom to go down there with him after their house here in Canada sold. In the meantime, my Mom had packed up their whole house and all the bills had been pared down to the absolute basics. Internet and all those pesky things, like water, electricity and gas. They had the satellite disconnected because my Dad is the tv watcher in the house....and well, he was gone.

Fast forward a few months (just in time to leave the Arizona heat for an Alberta winter....figure that one out???) and now my parents have grand plans of moving.....somewhere....when their house sells. They want to watch tv but do not want to have a satellite contract. My Dad asks me to add his receiver to my bill. No problem. I am not sure if it is legal or not but that is another story. Then he asks what kind of programming we have. In an effort to save some coin we cut back our satellite service over a year ago. We had more than peasant vision but we aren't high rollers here.

Along with all the pertinent information for the receiver, my Dad has passed along the channel line up that he would like. My bill is set to go from under $70.00, taxes and extras included (pre-NFL Sunday Ticket) to almost $150.00 before tax (still not including Sunday Ticket). So I set everything up as he requested. My parents have helped us out tremendously and he is willing to foot half the bill, so I obliged.

The only reason my Dad has called me in the past 3 days is to keep adding to the satellite package!! I now have all the sports channels in SD and in HD. I have lived over a year with no sports channels. I have the internet. What the hell do I need to see clown make up Darren Dutchyshen in real life for? Or the guy on Sportsnet Pacific?? That guy should be on radio, not HDTV. I have a package that is worth a months worth of diapers that is strictly soccer. I would never have half the channels I now have. And now I have to watch tv....because my Dad made me.

Adjusting

I was so dreading the day that I would have to send Roo to kindergarten. She is the only one of the kids (besides Tiny Man, so far) that I stayed home with right from the get-go.

I couldn't believe that already it was time to send her to school. I cannot believe how fast the last 5 years have flown by. I was worried about how it would be with no one to help me entertain Tiny Man.

I have to admit that I am enjoying my one on one time with Tiny Man. By the time that we get home from dropping off Roo to the time that we have to go and pick her up we are only home alone for about 2 hours. He is such a different boy when he is by himself. He will play quietly and entertain himself. He will ask me to play trucks with him. And I always have an escort to the bathroom.

As much as I love summer time I am enjoying having a routine of sorts. Right now My Dear Nathan is working a compressed work week so it is nice to have him home for an extra day a week. It will only be for a month but I will take it. I have found that all of sudden I am needing to go to bed at a decent hour in order to be up and busy all day long. Must be getting old. I can't function on only 5 hours of sleep a night anymore. Having an extra set of hands on Friday only makes things easier.

I am still running the Parents and Tots program at our community league this year. I have decided instead of feeling like I am wasting time there to use it to do crafting that I feel guilty doing at home. I now have 2 hours a week to dedicate to crafting (assuming that I am by myself with Tiny Man. If I have company, great!!) I totally enjoyed myself this morning, and again, Tiny Man was so good by himself. :)

So for all the change that has happened here I am adjusting and learning that the changes that are happening can be good. I feel like I am evolving as a parent and as a person. Learning what is important to me and my family. A happy, rested Momma makes for a much better day. That is a great adjustment.