Just When I Thought...

As per my other update about Darian, things are going well right now.  We have been on the same dosage of medications of a few months.  Until today.

Darian has to have regular blood work done while on these medications.  Both to ensure that she is on a therapeutic level and to monitor for certain side effects.

One of the side effects of the anti-psychotic medication she is on is low white blood cell count.  Hers came up low on a recent blood test so the psychiatrist wanted another test to confirm.  Turns out the medication is having an adverse affect on her.  Effect today we are weaning off for the next 3 days as she is unable to continue with this medication that she has been taking for over a year.

We are starting a new medication in 4 days.  It is brand new.  To us and on the market.  It has been available for only a month.  We, of course, are starting on a low dosage.  This makes me nervous.  This will put her (and us) at risk of having a manic/depressive episode.  I am hoping that this will not be the case and that all the worry I am feeling right now will be for nothing.

My Incoherent Ramblings on Marriage

At this very moment in time I am so very worried about my baby brother. He came home from work out of town to an empty house. The dog and one of his cats, gone. Along with his wife of just 4 years. I would never have classified their relationship as solid. But my brother loved her and she him. I am so sad to see my brother hurting like he is right now. And I wish I was closer to him although I know that this is not something I can fix.

My Dear Nathan and I have been married for almost 15 years. I love him like....I can't even describe it. He is my everything. We have had some rough times in our marriage where it was hanging by a thread. There are times when it is so much work and times when it seems so easy.

One of the things that I have heard my brother say is that if she had just done what I wanted her to do things would have been fine. I don't think that is true of any relationship. If you wait for someone to do things for you in order to find happiness and contentment, you will be waiting for a very long time. Someone will never be able to do enough to make you happy. Only you can do that. I have learned this over the last few years.

We have had some of our friends comment on our marriage and how lucky we are to have what we have (and believe me, we know it!). In some instances we have even been asked for advice. I am sometimes unsure of how to answer certain questions that people ask. I am not an expert by any means and what works for us might mean disaster for someone else. In all the times that I have thought about what advice to give I have realized that there is only one thing that I should say with certainty. There is no magic that will fix something that is broken.

When our marriage was broken the things that helped fix it were the decision to make it work, lots of talking and time. Unless you decide to make it work I don't think that there is anything that will help. That decision for me involved putting my heart on the line and deciding to trust in him even when he had broken my trust. I only came to that decision because he finally talked to me. Nothing gets fixed without talking about it. Nothing. This is not exclusive to marriage but to anything. Talking can be so hard. You don't want to hurt anyone, or be embarrassed or have to admit to your own short comings. I know that I didn't. I am so glad that I did though. It saved my marriage and my daughter.

I know that whatever happens for my brother he will be better off. This situation is one hell of a wake up call. And the decision is his now. Decide to fix what is broken and do the hard work to do it. Or make the hard decision of letting go of something that may be beyond repair. Either way, they both require lots of talking.

Super Tuesday

It is election day in the U.S. My only wish is that we as Canadians paid as much attention to our own elections as we seem to pay to the election down south. That is all.

The Internetz Blowz My Mind

I always have the best of intentions on getting up everyday and making myself useful around my house. You know, doing my job as Stay at Home Mom and house wife. I always do the Mom thing, the house wife thing....not so much. I am not, and never have been, a morning person. I like to start my day by checking out what is going on with the world wide web.

I start on Facebook and some days am amazed at where my journey ends, when I realize I have wasted way too much time online. Some days I find the coolest shit to waste time away with. Check out the Akinator. Seriously, I have only fooled him once and it was with a sad excuse of a back up Quarterback, destined to be known as "Who was that guy that shit the bed while Peyton Manning was out that year?"

Other days I finally follow things that have been going on in the news for weeks already like the Mom from Calgary who went on strike and whose blog went viral because of it. She got to go to New York and be all on shows and stuff. Had I known that kind of stuff would happen I would have been telling you that kind of shit for years now. :) I read her blog and it is very amusing and very well written and I look forward to following her from now on.

What blows my mind about the internet though is how people think that they can spew whatever bullshit they want on here and have no accountability. Striking Mom posted her story on a blog because people that saw her story on Facebook wanted more of it. After it went viral it became yet another place for trolls to hang out and do what they do best. Criticize, abuse, mock, feel superior, insult, pick apart. I have been fortunate that I have yet to have trolls that have found their way to my little corner of the internet. I have had spammers but I can deal with that.

The recent tragic death of Amanda Todd has literally made me sick to my stomach as we have experienced a situation similar to the one that began the torment for this poor girl. Thankfully our path has not led to the same place and I hope that it never will. I cannot believe the hate that has poured out of some people in the forms of comments on youtube videos, comments on news stories, facebook posts, and tweets.

It is disgusting and heartbreaking to think of the torment this girl must have suffered and the despair she must have been feeling to take her own life. My heart aches for her family for experiencing this loss and even more for the vileness that has taken place on the internet in the days since. Don't get me wrong, I know not all is black and white with the internet. There are some great things to be found and some things so shocking I am sure that my mind can't even comprehend them. I know that I attribute the anonymity that comes along with a keyboard and monitor for some of the horrible things that people say online. It is very easy to be tough when you are by yourself with no one to face with the terrible things that are being said.

I keep pretty close tabs on my kids and the internet and in reality, they have very little time on it, at home anyway. One of the things that I keep reminding them of constantly though it to not post anything online that they wouldn't be willing to say to someone to their face and not to post any pictures they wouldn't be willing for their Great Grandparents to see. I admit these are lessons learned the hard way but learned nonetheless.

People talk about decline in our society and I wonder how much of it can be attributed to the technology that we have before us today. I think that we are still learning how to use it responsibly and just like anything else in life, some people will take longer to learn that lesson. It scares me to wonder what the bottom line will be before we all learn that "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all".

October, 2012

It is October 10 and today it started to snow. I wish that I could say that I was nearly as excited about it as my kids (the little ones anyway) are. There are so many things that I want to say here but I really don't know where to start, it has been so long. Let's start with something good and exciting. Update on Darian. She is doing so well. After having such a rough time with her in 2011 I am so pleased to say that she is set to graduate high school this year. She worked really hard last year to catch up on a semester that we withdrew her during Grade 10 in an effort to figure out what was going on with her. For those of you who don't know, a year ago in July we were given a diagnosis of Bi-Polar 2 Disorder. She has been taking her medication consistently since then and with a few tweaks we have found a good mixture (for the time being) that is keeping her stable and healthy. She has been working in a kitchen at a golf course for the last little while and is enjoying it immensely. Her plans are to go into the culinary arts when she is finished high school so this is great experience for her. She is a currently looking for a new job though as the golf course is set to close for the season soon. Sooner than planned if we continue to get wonderful weather like we are today. Darian has been seeing a guy named Jordan for a little over a year now. He is a great guy that our family all really love. He fits well into our family and we are happy to see their relationship grow. I think that is all for now. I will try to be more diligent about being here (if anyone else is here). I have missed it and have many more things to talk about. Have a great day! :)

Hello?

*tap, tap*.....is this thing on? Is there anyone out there?

Hope this works...I promise that one day I will come back here an actually blog something....right now I am trying to win free stuff :)